Women Who WEARY In Stages

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. Things were great at first – we were so in love, spent all our time together, and the sex, while it wasn’t super frequent, was really good. However in the past month or so things have changed a bit. She wants to spend less time with me, doesn’t say “I love you as much” as me – it feels like she’s pulling away bit by bit. What the hell do I do?
– She’s Losing Interest
The Answer
Someone gradually losing interest in you is basically the most painful thing that can happen in a relationship. OK, maybe that’s an exaggeration – presumably, your partner getting a brain tumor is pretty bad. But most pain in relationships is abrupt. It’s clean, it’s quick. You somehow discover those dirty messages she’s sending some other guy You say the main one stupid thing which makes her snap. Whatever it really is, it’s over in another. Your heart is broken. Then, you go put it back together, learn that love continues to be possible, and attach with a hot friend of a pal.
However when someone is gradually flaking you, it’s like having a bandage on an open wound taken off in slow motion. Each day, things are slowly worse and worse – the silences tend to be more awkward, she’s touching you less, she doesn’t laugh at your jokes. She’s exactly the same beautiful face she always had, but it’s permanently fixed in unfortunate expressions. She’s just sick and tired of you.
So how can you stop it?
Well, first, grit your teeth for the chance that… perhaps you can’t. She could just be falling out in clumps of love. That’s what’s this type of bummer about romantic love. It ends. Maybe it’s when she meets your crazy mom. Maybe it’s when her romantic spaghetti dinner offers you bad acid reflux and you also have to excuse you to ultimately go vomit. Whatever causes it: Almost always there is an eventual departure of this beautiful, tingly rush which makes you truly think its not necessary anyone else again. It could happen half a year in, it might happen six years in.
So when that’s over, if there is no real, enduring love underneath, then, poof, all of the feelings have died. So maybe that’s what’s happening. If that’s the case, that sucks. It’s game over. Nothing to accomplish except nurse your wounded heart, with Jack Daniel’s and/or mindfulness meditation , then get out there again. Good luck.
But maybe that’s not what’s happening. Maybe there’s still a chance. Maybe it’s not that she doesn’t love you – she’s just not fascinated by you anymore, like in the early days of your relationship, when she was learning all your favorite music, and discovering your passions, and figuring out how to touch your penis. So, increasingly, she loves you like (ugh) an old friend from college – your presence is comforting, but not thrilling.
In which case, please consider the possibility that maybe she’s not interested in you anymore because you’re not as interesting anymore.
I’m not saying this to be a jerk. I’m inviting you to engage in some real self-reflection here. When was the last time you surprised her with a gift, or took her out to a new restaurant? Are you changing things up in bed at all? Did you read any good books lately that gave you new things to talk about? Have you been kicking your ass at the gym lately like you should be?
Be terribly honest with yourself about whether you’re taking her for granted – just assuming that she’ll always be as charmed by you as she was on your first date, when you showed up together with your perfectly coiffed hair as well as your nice shoes nicely shined. Don’t feel bad for anyone who is. It happens on a regular basis.
And here’s why. When you’ve just started dating someone excellent, somebody who really makes your heart and/or genitalia dance, you’re constantly concerned about whether they will stick around. Which means you spend all your moment the best person you may be – you send them cute texts, you have sex expertly (OK, maybe), and you also actually listen if they talk You go all-out.
But after the anxiety disappears, you then sort of backslide, as you won’t need to be near the top of your game. She’s not going anywhere – at the very least not immediately. Which means you wear day-old socks that smell like cheese created by Satan. You craft her Kraft Dinner for supper. You stop asking her about her day.
A couple of years ago, that has been me. I was dating simply the hottest girl who’s ever been hot. EASILY showed you an image of her, you’ll call me a liar, then flip the table, spilling nachos around me. And I had to work with it. She was seeing several guys whenever we started going out. I pretended to be totally cool with it, though it made me feel insecure, like maybe I wasn’t as cool as her other prospects. Our first date was a long night of gallery-hopping, followed by tearing it up at her favorite dance party. Our second date was absinthe-laden cocktails at the trendiest new restaurant in town. And, after our third date, she was having so much fun with me that she said goodbye to those other guys, and sent me some dirty pictures that I’ll treasure until I get Alzheimer’s so hard I forget what a boob is.
Flash forward six months later, to our 50th date or so: drinking cheap rye on the rocks, watching Netflix, and having a boring conversation about our regular lives. See, we were really compatible, so we got really comfortable with each other, really fast. Too comfortable – we became dull. Now, if we were on a desert island, this would’ve been fine. But, unfortunately, we were in the real world, where she worked as the communications manager at a startup, which means she was constantly giving presentations to rooms full of accomplished, well-dressed men. You can fill in the blanks here. Our relationship didn’t last long.
Regressing to your average-dude state in a relationship is the most normal thing in the world. But if you want to keep your girlfriend excited, you’re going to have to be abnormal. You’re going to have to stop being an average dude, because, frankly, she deserves better than an average dude. She deserves the guy she thought you were – chasing your dreams, busting your ass, and smelling good.
Bottom line: you’ve got to keep growing as a person if you want other people to grow with you.

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