When THE MAIN ONE Isnt Pretty Enough

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I started seeing this girl a few months back. We met through friends and she actually asked me out afterwards via Facebook chat. We went on a few dates and really hit it off, and the sex is pretty good – not spectacular but better than I usually have. Things have been going so smoothly that I’ve caught myself thinking, “What if she’s the one?” a few times, you know? There’s only one problem. She’s…. really not pretty. OK, that’s sort of mean. Just, face-wise, she’s not what I pictured myself finding yourself with, I assume. Am I being crazy shallow for having that as a deal-breaker, or could it be valid?
– Facing the Music
The Answer
Hi Face,
First, i want to say this: You’re an awful person. Fortunately, you are not alone. Pretty much everyone is terrible in the very same way. Most of us meet intelligent, kind people, then wish they didn’t have crooked teeth. It isn’t a one-way street; probably, someone has loved you regardless of the truth that they cringed whenever they saw your weird-looking testicles. (Yeah, you.)
And now that we are all on a single page about being selfish, superficial monsters, let’s discuss the properties to be this type of person. Let’s discuss your problem, that is actually a fairly deep one. The problem here is that this girl you’re with may not actually be the one.” You only think she is because you’ve made a common error: You think of the one” the same way you think of a sandwich.
Hear me out.
Often, we fall into a weird habit of thinking of people as a collection of ingredients. Just how you want bacon, lettuce and tomato on a sandwich, you might want warmth, athleticism, and medium-large breasts in a partner. You’re like, “I’ll take a non-smoking Jewish princess with a side of Bachelor’s in Fine Arts.” (That’s a bit of psychological projection there.) But this isn’t a useful way of thinking about relationships. Not because your preferences aren’t real – but because what makes somebody the one” isn’t a collection of the ingredients that turn you on, or comfort you when you feel depressed. The one” is the person you’re ready to love fully – the person you want to sign up for, whatever that entails.
That doesn’t seem to be the case with your current girlfriend. She might do that weird thing you like in bed , but you’re unhappy about the fact that she doesn’t appear to be a Rembrandt painting when she’s carrying it out. You have a large amount of fun when you are from the weekend, however when you’re on the dance floor, you obtain anxious about the proven fact that you are not cavorting with the bubble-butt-having perfect 10 who’s wiggling nearby. Basically, you are feeling like it’s possible that should you play your cards right, you can end up getting some bombshell, so you’re always type of planning your babe attraction strategy in the rear of your head as long as you’re texting your real, actual girlfriend.
Let’s face the cruel facts of the situation. If you’re unhappy with a perfectly-functioning relationship with someone who’s cute however, not ravishing, a perfectly functioning relationship isn’t your undisputed priority. And you’ll find nothing wrong with this particular. Seriously. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing bone structure and/or body fat. The only real really shameful thing is having bullshit relationships. You’re in a bullshit relationship if you are going steady together with your reasonably pretty companion when you’d like to be screwing around with a drop-dead gorgeous blonde whose personality doesn’t align with yours whatsoever.
I am there. Completely. I was dating this girl with a weird deformity in a single eye. She was lovely. Sexually giving, mature, caring, an excellent communicator – just fantastic. A class act. But something wasn’t there – some type of fundamental electricity a good relationship has just didn’t arrive. Maybe it had been her personality, but I’ve a lingering suspicion that my perception of her personality was influenced by that weird thing with her eye.
Using the tone of the little anecdote, it is possible to probably do you know what happened. Now, splitting up with her made me feel just like a scumbag initially. But I was happier afterward, despite the fact that my friends explained I should stick to her on the lands that she was an excellent woman, which she was. If that has been coming between us, and I couldn’t fully shut it out, then she would maintain a relationship with a man who secretly couldn’t overcome her eye thing. (And that is not fair to her, either, because you will find loads of guys on the market who could love her fully, for whom she’d be “THE MAIN ONE,” eye-thing or no.)
But don’t take this lightly. Look inside yourself. Acknowledge the point that should you have functioning gonads, you’ll, for the rest you will ever have, feel occasionally horny for random strangers in yoga pants, regardless of how hot an individual you’re sleeping with. Recognize that, in case you date an ideal 10 now, she will not be that in twenty years – looks fade, both yours and hers. Recognize that receiving an unbelievable blowjob from probably the most breathtakingly beautiful woman you’ve ever seen will undoubtedly be revelatory initially, but will seem normal (if still excellent) eventually.
Also, answer the next important questions:
When you think about breaking up with this girl, do you feel a profound sadness come over you?
Is that feeling way deeper than the pangs of lust you feel towards other people?
When she’s taking care of you (e.g., when you have explosive diarrhea), do you feel a warmer feeling than you did that one time you somehow woke up in bed with that centerfold-level stunner whose profile pictures you still creep on the regular?
Again, it’s totally appropriate if your answer to most of these questions is no” – you’re the only one, ultimately, who knows what you need. Sometimes, the relationship you need is a one-night stand with a transgender dominatrix. Sometimes, all you need is a relationship with your left hand. Sometimes, the perfect-seeming person doesn’t fit perfectly, or even very well. Don’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy you because you think, Well, I should be happy with this.” That’s not genuine.
So I suppose it all comes down to a simple question: Are you more into having someone cool to share your life with, or someone hot to share your bed with?

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