When She Wants To Remain Just Friends

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is actually, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I’m deeply in love with one of my good friends. It was love initially sight, but I’ve never really had the courage to inform her the way Personally i think. We’ve just been platonic this whole time. Recently, I finally informed her that I needed to take our relationship to another level. She was nice about any of it but basically rejected me. She explained she wished to just stay friends. So what can I do? How do i change her mind?
– Lovelorn Larry
The Answer
Hi Larry,
This is such a very simple problem. The answer is that you do nothing. You don’t date this girl, because she doesn’t desire to date you. Whenever you can, you move ahead, after crying a great deal of tears, or pumping a great deal of iron, or watching a great deal of porn – whatever your selected grieving mechanism is. Eventually, you select yourself up and discover the courage up to now people who find themselves actually drawn to you.
I know that may sound harsh. And I understand it’s not what you are considering. Writing this letter, you’re probably longing for a magic word or two you can utter, or some secret formula to create any woman drawn to you. You can find people online who promise might be found. I’m not just a liar, therefore i won’t. There is no wiggle room here. And the earlier you truly hear this and absorb it, the higher. It’s actively psychologically detrimental to humiliate yourself by attempting to seduce individuals who don’t desire to sleep with you. The longer you hang around this girl and beg her for a relationship, the less you’ll feel like a self-controlled, formidable individual, and the more you’ll feel like a lonely shadow of a person, living for the approval of others.
By the way, I’m proceeding on the assumption that you’re not happy with being friends with her – that, in fact, you were never interested in friendship alone. Just as much as you enjoy her company, your goal from the beginning was to take some kind of complicated roundabout path to get into her pants. You hoped to charm her with what a good guy you are. You assumed that once she knew you close-up, she would find herself attracted to you, and marry you, and force you to buy a smart car, or whatever other nonsense marriage with her would entail.
And I’m sympathetic. Our culture does a really bad job of educating men in that odd combination of swagger, humility, kindness, and not-giving-a-damn that it takes to be socially charming with women you’re sexually interested in. There are few explicit rules around dating in the modern era, and this means that to anyone who hasn’t done lots of of it, it can seem like there’s no way to express overt interest in somebody without coming off as a creep. Therefore, lots of nice guys only have niceness to fall back on, so that’s what they do – they attempt to attract women by being pleasant. Also, it’s the only way they know to get any of that sweet, sweet female attention in their lives.
But this is obviously a doomed effort. And I can make that very clear if you pay the slightest attention to the following example. Think about the nicest woman you know – that you’re not attracted to. Let’s just call her Brenda. (Apologies to my female readers named Brenda.) Imagine that she starts being your best friend, like, ever. She makes you trays and trays of your favorite muffins, listens to all or any of your woes relating to this girl you’re deeply in love with, and also pretends to be interested once you recap your favorite bout of the Joe Rogan podcast. Can you then desire to sleep with her?
Needless to say not. Unfortunately, sexual attraction and collegial friendliness won’t be the same. (We might reside in a better world should they were, but that’s just speculation.) Occasionally, both of these qualities are even directly opposed – we’re attracted to those who are mysterious, or off-limits, or surprising, whereas we’re friends with people we can just casually hang with, who are familiar and safe and comforting. (The difficulty of building a relationship is to find a compromise between your crackling spark of passion and the even warmth of friendship.)
Moreover, that is frustrating for the female friend, too. In the end, you would feel just a little weird in the event that you knew that Brenda, our imaginary example person, was just fulfilling your friendship needs so she could eventually maybe wheedle you into sleeping with her. Likewise, you as well as your female friend have built a meaningful friendship together, on the premise that you truly wanted friendship, and today she realizes she’s been lied to, or at the very least was presented with an incomplete version of one’s feelings.
Again, I don’t let you know this to hurt you. I’m telling this on your own good, in order to develop as an individual. First, you need to figure out how to not chase after individuals who obviously aren’t into you. Secondly, you need to figure out how to not base your self-worth on whether one individual really wants to screw you. And these exact things are hard to understand. They are able to only be made of many lonely nights, many rejection, and perhaps a sad email to an advice columnist or two. I’ve definitely been there.
Now, i want to close this having an encouraging note. Let me say that it is actually possible that you will find yourself dating this girl. No, really. It’s miles from guaranteed. It will most likely not happen. But there’s another chance. Without a doubt how this scenario computes.
You take my advice and you also man up. Starting tomorrow, you stop pretending you want to be friends with this particular girl. If she texts one to complain about her issues with her latest boyfriend, you tell her you are really sorry, but you are not ready to offer her the emotional support she needs. And, with all the current time you save by not constantly getting together with her and attending to her problems, you do other things that you’re passionate about. You go places, you earn money, you date other folks.
And, maybe – maybe – a few years down the line, you run into her at a party. You’ve changed. You’ve grown up a little. She realizes how much she misses you. Maybe she even recently saw a picture of you with some girl on Facebook, and she feels a surprising pang of jealousy. Pow, magic.
This can be a really unlikely scenario. But, again, it is mathematically possible.

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