The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is actually, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Dear Dating Nerd,
I have a bit of a dilemma going on. I’ve been seeing this girl for the past month or so, and I’m beginning to think I want it to be a full-on relationship. We hang out about once or twice a week and when we do, we have great sex and what I feel is really good chemistry. We both orgasm a lot, we cuddle afterwards, we joke and there aren’t any awkward silences. When she’s over at my place or I’m over at hers, everything’s basically perfect. We go to sleep cuddling and wake up in each other’s arms. It’s great. Except for one thing – we basically don’t hang out or talk during the day, ever. In the early going, she scheduled our dates for quite late (like 10, 11 – I’m used to starting a date closer to 8), as soon as we progressed to booty calls, often she wouldn’t touch base until midnight. I’ve tried texting her early in the day, suggesting daytime hangs, and also attempting to turn morning sex right into a brunch date, to no avail. It feels as though she’s a vampire and can’t connect to me in the sunlight or something. What’s happening?
– Late-Night Lex
The Answer
Dear Lex,
If there’s one maxim I sign up to about dating behaviors, it’s this: When people demonstrate who they’re, believe them.” It is a Maya Angelou quote, nevertheless, you don’t need to be considered a connoisseur of American literature to understand its wisdom. People communicate who they’re through their actions. When their actions let you know a tale, take that story at face value – don’t make an effort to invent motives or excuses for them.
It’s great you are having a great time with this particular person, but through her repeated disinterest in going out or communicating on your own terms, she’s implying that she doesn’t have the same manner you do about the situation. That imbalance will lead to one of you breaking things off down the road unless something changes in a big way in the interim.
Now, those people who are generally unavailable all day long aren’t all the same. Maybe she has an incredibly demanding job, does volunteer work, or has an ailing family member she needs to spend several hours a day taking care of. Maybe she really is allergic to sunlight – who knows.
Based on what you said in your message (or everything you didn’t say about her inability to spread the hangout wealth around to the daytime), it generally does not seem like it.
If you are into someone but something was keeping you from hanging frequently, you’d probably inform them in early stages. You’d say something similar to, I’m so sorry I cannot see you normally as I’d like, due to X.” This way, they wouldn’t take your unavailability as an indicator of disinterest. Although you may didn’t wish to be forthcoming concerning the specific reason behind your packed schedule, you’d at the very least think of a single, concrete reason.
She doesn’t may actually do that in this example. To me, which means 1 of 2 things. Sure, it’s possible that she genuinely likes you but is merely spectacularly bad at showing it.
It’s more likely, however, that she just doesn’t as if you that much, and she’s relying on her relative unavailability” to communicate that for you. It’s hard to inform someone you need to keep sleeping with, Hey, I must say i appreciate the standard sex, and you’re sort of funny , however your overall personality isn’t what I consider relationship material” without it dynamiting the complete regular sex thing.
There is nothing wrong with seeing someone during the night, but when you set up a restrictive pattern of once you will and will not be together – not due to external factors, but due to your personal wants and desires – you’re telling them, I can’t stand you year-round. I don’t even as if you 24/7, I just as if you in small doses.”
Now, additionally, there is nothing objectively wrong with having a continuing sexual relationship with someone even though it’s for the short-term provided that both people are on a single among the two participants really wants to expand that situation to something a lot more than just hooking up and something doesn’t, you run against a problem.
So what can you do, Lex? Well, it’s simple. The next time you may spend time together, have a conversation about any of it. Tell her, Listen, the reason why I’ve been attempting to go out with you throughout the day is because I like you. I’d like us to spend additional time together and potentially even be considered a real boyfriend/girlfriend-style couple.”
Phrase it in a manner that makes sense for both of you, but inform you your feelings extend beyond the scope of nighttime hookups. Tell her, essentially, what you’ve explained, so she can’t blame miscommunication in a future conversation further down the road. Don’t make her feel attacked, or try to shame her into liking you. Just tell her that you’d like to know her thoughts on taking things to another level.
Modern dating culture is really a tricky business. We are all coping with a smorgasbord of preference, and with the data that there surely is a near-infinite sea of local horny singles only a couple of clicks or swipes away. The only real caveat is they, too, know a similar thing, so you end up getting a predicament where everyone has options.
In that sort of climate, it seems sensible not to commit. It seems sensible to possess casual, late-night sex with someone a few times a week for some months without feeling like getting fully committed to them. Maybe something better should come along tomorrow, or in a few days, or a few months from now. But if the person in front of you says, Listen, I like this a lot, can we take it seriously,” you at least have to make a choice.
Until you have that conversation with her, you’ll just be that late-night text guy.
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