What Does Your Girlfriends Expensive Gift Mean

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is actually, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several. Need his help? Email [email protected]
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
My girlfriend bought me a wrist watch. It’s super nice, but I have no idea what this signifies and I feel under great pressure to do something in exchange. What do I really do?
– A lucky boyfriend
The Answer
Well, clearly, the vital thing you do is humblebrag about any of it online by writing an open letter to an advice column about your shiny new luxury timekeeping device. Dear Dating Nerd, what do I really do about the proven fact that my hot girlfriend just put one thousand bucks’ worth of finely tuned Swiss bling on my wrist? Very worried about the fact that this may mean I’m an excellent boyfriend / amazing between the sheets, RSVP.”
But seriously, it is a fair question – that’s, unless the watch was purchased by your girlfriend’s personal assistant, who constantly struggles to listen to your girlfriend’s words on the sound of a money faucet loudly spewing money everywhere. If buying you a gift doesn’t represent any particular financial effort, giving it to you probably isn’t a form of significant personal effort. Enjoy making out with your expensively exfoliated partner’s face without stress.
Let’s assume, however, that your girlfriend is not Lindsay Lohan, desperately purchasing affection with the remains of a massive fortune. Let’s assume that buying you a watch was a significant dent in her checking account – that it represents hours of labor, during which she dutifully suffered idiots so she could get the sweet sweet ducats she spent on you.
Well, then, here’s what you shouldn’t do.
Firstly, don’t immediately Google the watch, find out exactly how much it cost, then buy her a necklace of equivalent price. To begin with, she didn’t buy you a watch so she could earn credits at the Guilty Boyfriend Store. Secondly, unless you’re a woman, you basically need a supercomputer to calculate the subtleties of taste involved in buying women’s jewelry Whatever you buy her, she’ll either think it’s tacky or not tacky enough. You will screw this up.
Secondly, do consider what her motives are. And, honestly, this seems obvious. Probably she bought you that watch because she likes you a lot, or flat-out loves you, and she thinks, or hopes, that your relationship is real. By real, I don’t mean physically manifest” or most likely continuing until next week.” What I mean is, are you bullshitting? Is your plan stay together until someone better comes along?” Are you constantly having ambiguous Facebook conversations with attractive female acquaintances? Are you in this, to the point where you would take a bullet, or, worse, take a baby shower?
Don’t feel bad if the answer to that last question is no. For most people, in most relationships, the answer is no. Most people are dating out of convenience – just kind of clinging onto someone pretty who provides better company than a mirror or a Twitter feed. And there’s nothing wrong with that. We’re social animals.
But do feel bad if you’re getting increasingly clear signs that she’s telling her mom that she’s really found someone great this time, that you’re not like all the other guys, while you are, in fact, the same as another guys – when you like having her around okay, but you will absolutely leave her for a shot at cuter or younger at the very first opportunity.
A gift like this is a sign that those meaningful mom conversations are taking place. It’s not a legally binding contract – it’s not explicitly a test – but it is a strong signal that she’s Into It, that she’s Chosen You. See, the great thing about money is that you can’t fake it. If you’re a reasonably confident person, you can fake affection, at the cost of the modest caloric output required to give a back rub. Giving thoughtful compliments only requires a modicum of brainpower. Making a woman handmade pasta is a lovely gesture, but she’s probably dimly aware that you’ve pulled this exact move on someone before.
But you can’t pretend buy somebody their favorite Premier Cru burgundy, or pretend book them a flight to Peru. This isn’t a make-believe gesture – so, in her mind, this isn’t a make-believe relationship.
If you agree with her, congratulations. I’m glad you’re on the same page. First thing you should do is Instagram the fuck out of your new timepiece. Seriously. The most touching compliment you can give someone you’re dating – in this age where every single person is constantly projecting their sexual viability with social media – is being a total dork about your relationship in public as much as possible. I’m talking nauseating couple selfies, status updates about how lucky you are, whatever. Maybe you don’t treasure this idea – maybe your social media brand is unsentimental status updates about how society is falling apart, combined with occasional YouTube videos of Radiohead.” I don’t care. This isn’t for you, it’s for her.
Then, just treat your relationship like anything you really care about. Take pains. Actually listen when she talks. Don’t whine if you’re horny but she’s not in the mood. And while, again, you shouldn’t immediately buy her a random present just to prove that you, too, can operate a credit card, you also shouldn’t eliminate buying her gifts aswell. If you’re passing by way of a florist and she says something about how exactly she loves their bouquets, she’s dropping a hint, stupid.

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