The Proper Execution Of The First Kiss

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
Hi Dating Nerd,
I am seeing this girl for some time. Which is to state, we met through some friends, hit it off chatting on Facebook, and continued a few dates. We have great flirting chemistry and I’m almost certain she wants me to kiss her. But I’ve just been kind of losing my nerve when the time comes and we still haven’t kissed yet. I’m worried that if we go on one more cute date that ends without a hot make-out she’s just going to move on. What are your first-kiss tips??? I need to figure this out!
– Kiss Klutz
The Answer
Hi Kiss Klutz,
The question of how you should put your face all over your lover’s face for the very first time is a philosophical question that has echoed throughout the ages. Because this is such an important moment. It’s when all the physical barriers come crashing down. It’s when you first say, hey, I don’t care that there are tiny deposits of half-dissolved Doritos lurking back somewhere in your gross mouth, I’m going in there anyway. This is that most romantic moment when the potential instantly becomes actual, and you probably get a boner.
So, reader, I proudly announce that I will now resolve this question for all time. Executing the first kiss is simple. Walk your lucky lady down a cobblestone path under the full moon. If there are no cobblestone paths nearby, fly her to Portugal first. In advance, hire a little man, who’ll sprinkle rose petals from the very best of a nearby building. When among the rose petals falls on your own lover’s face, she’ll say, What the hell is that?” Say, A rose petal – pretty romantic, not think?” In the confused silence that follows, stick your tongue down her throat with just as much enthusiasm as possible possibly muster.
I’m kidding, needless to say. Don’t do some of that. The only real truly important thing concerning the first kiss is that you truly do it, boldly sufficient reason for as little hesitation as you possibly can. Everything else is completely secondary. What exactly are you afraid of? That she’ll provide you with the cheek? Well, that’s fine. Now you understand. She doesn’t desire to kiss you – that is important information you need to learn eventually. Too harmful to her. Go back home, cry in the event that you must, then Tinder your heart out and soon you have another opportunity.
She’ll want you or she won’t. Probably, she’ll have spent a lot of the first date determining whether you’re attractive and/or whether you’re a crazy ax-murderer. She’s already decided whether you are getting in there. Your approach won’t change that. Unless you attempt the first kiss in a way that’s absolutely bizarre, like maybe swooping in after emerging from bathroom with clown makeup on, any of the details of the moment – what you say before, the angle of your chin, whether you have gross wine lips from the classy red wine you’ve been drinking – won’t matter a bit. If you had a great first date, screwing up the first kiss is actually pretty difficult.
Example. One time I was out on a date with someone who was too good for me. (Or, that’s what I thought. Subject for another time: too good for me” is a nonsense idea that paralyzes the minds of many good men. Anyway.) So I was petrified. But drinks had gone well, and I was walking her home, through a big fluffy snowstorm. She was giggling melodiously – which was tremendous news. If you can make somebody laugh, they probably want you to make them do other things, too.
But, as we were standing on the street corner, a wave of idiocy-inducing anxiety took me over. I felt like if I didn’t kiss her immediately, the moment would pass forever. So I grabbed her head and we began kissing passionately. (Passionately is the word you’re legally required to describe kissing with.) Following a second, she pulled back, and said, Uh, dude, you’re hurting my ear.” Yep. In my own state of wonder, I was so oblivious that I was feverishly manhandling the medial side of her head.
Afterwards, she texted me Thanks for the fantastic date, and the ear massage.” She gave me sht about any of it for weeks. It became a cute running joke, and we kept dating.
There are all kinds of good first kisses. Among the best relationships started whenever we kissed on a misty night in a forest directly after we broke into a vintage theater and waltzed on a darkened stage. A different one started whenever we were on LSD in a crappy coffee place. Every first kiss has its type of magic – each is its own sort of story.
Let that be considered a lesson for you. (Merely to be clear, the lesson isn’t that you ought to grasp wildly at the top of one’s love interest, or do LSD. What this means is that you ought to take courage and just take action. Take the mouth area and wear it there.)
Do you know just how many pretty women I’ve heard ranting about how exactly they were on an excellent date with some awesome guy who concluded the date by calling them buddy and awkwardly hugging them? Enough that I understand that it is a society-wide problem, especially among men that are sensitive enough to create a dating advice columnist. Plenty of interesting, thoughtful dudes certainly are a little too thoughtful in what they ought to do with women. Please: less thinking, more doing.
Talking about which – don’t wait until you’re absolutely confident. You will not ever be absolutely confident about any particular first kiss , particularly if it’s one you truly want. As much smarter people than me have stated before, courage isn’t about not feeling nervous, it’s about saying to your nervous system, Shut up, I’ve got work to accomplish.”
If you actually, require it spelled out for you, then I have a tried, tested and true method that’s dead-easy. If your date went at all well – you know, if she made prolonged eye contact, if she at any point suppressed a silly grin – then, when you’re saying goodbye, say Well, I’m gonna kiss you now.” Then do it. This sounds dorky. It is. But it gets the job done.
Oh, one last small piece of advice: Don’t ever, ever, ever say thank you” for a first kiss. As much as you might feel like she’s charitably granted your desperate wishes by planting her lips on your ugly mug, that’s not something she needs to know. Keep the mouth area shut, or open, because the case may be.

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