The Pitfalls Of Dating A Married Woman

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I screwed up. I think. I’ve been seeing this married woman. We met at a party – I was among the younger guys there and she was among the older women there, though we’re fewer than 10 years apart. The sex, when she has time to see me, is phenomenal. Each and every time we meet up, I can’t stop texting her for days afterward. It’s exciting, but I don’t know where it’s going. If her husband finds out, I’m probably dead. I know I should stop, but I’ve never felt anything like this before, where she gets my heart racing this bad. What should I do?
– Should I Put A Ring On It?
The Answer
Reader, I am sympathetic. Because this is yet another example of how much misery is caused by not being able to choose who we’re attracted to. Assuming that you’re not a horrifically ugly toad (apologies to the horrifically ugly toads out there) I bet there are other women around – the girl you met in spin class who ticks all of the boxes, who’s perfectly single, who you felt nothing at all for the morning after. For reasons you couldn’t identify at all. You’re just like, whatever, it is time to get lunch, alone.
But something concerning this married woman got you. The curve of her leg, or her smile, or her intoxicating laugh. And today, you, foolish person who you’re, are stuck on someone unavailable. Really, I don’t blame you. When I let you know that you should oftimes be very wary of this woman, it isn’t from a host to moral judgement. As the saying goes, the center wants what it wants.” Obvious implication: Sometimes (often, actually) what the stupid heart wants is stupid.
And she’s facing the same problem. She knows her husband inside and out. (Maybe literally, if she’s freaky.) She is aware of the foot smell. She smiles back at his yellow-toothed smile. Though he isn’t flawless, she decided he was worth settling down with. However now you come along and you also Ruin Everything.
Partly she’s so excited because, y’know, you’re the handsomest, most charming dude ever. But partly it is because it’s the start of one’s relationship – she doesn’t know who you’re. You haven’t had to be able to annoy her yet with how you fondle your personal testicles constantly. (Stop it.)
In conclusion: You’re a dream, not just a reality. That she developed this dream is understandable enough. Any human with functioning glands sees a stylish person and instantly fantasizes in what a magical unicorn they need to be, and keeps that dream going so long as possible. (It’s once the dream ends that you discover out if you a genuine relationship.)
What’s much less understandable is that she’s made a decision to screw up reality (her relationship with her husband) for a dream (you). Regardless of how effective a cheater she actually is, unless her husband is really a total drooling moron, he knows what’s going on. She’s distracted constantly. The sex isn’t what it was previously – the fellatio is now rarer and rare. And just why is her phone buzzing constantly?
Now, maybe their relationship had been terrible. But there are a great number of ways to cope with an awful relationship. There’s couples counseling. You possibly can make it into some type of pell-mell polyamorous penetration-fest. Also, it is possible to just be a genuine person and break your partner’s heart. But she’s not doing some of that. This is a significant illustration of her character. When she gets bored in a wedding, she hunts down various other guy and takes her pants off. That’s how she handles sexual malaise. That’s her brilliant solution.
This is the fine kind of person to get involved with if you just want to have a crazy affair. Which might be fun. Just keep in mind that you’re screwing up some poor chump’s life. No offense. But you are. I truly don’t believe in the common wisdom that the married half of an affair is the ethically culpable half. I feel like this is wisdom distributed by whiny man-children who can’t admit when they’re displaying questionable character. Surely, this woman didn’t just fall onto your boner out of nowhere. Surely, you were part of the process.
One time, a married woman invited herself up to my apartment. We’d just had a long chat at a party; most of the chat focused on how she was dubious about married life. After our chat, it just so happened (bullsht) that she was leaving at the same time as me (bullsht) and that we were walking in the same direction (bullsht.) And, instead of saying goodbye, she said, Why don’t I come up for a drink?” Unsurprisingly, drinking wasn’t all we did that night.
You could say she tempted me.” But that’s a bunch of nonsense. After all, I participated in her conversation about how monogamy is stupid, and stared deeply into her eyes the whole time. And when she invited herself up, I accepted. If her boyfriend found out about what happened and punched me in the face, I don’t know that I could blame him. What I did was regretful, and I regret it.
Are you OK with that? OK, fine. I’m not here to parent you. Just to clarify the situation. And here’s one more clarification. If you’re really emotionally invested in this woman, then you should shut this whole thing down immediately. Stop talking to her, stop seeing her, unfollow her on Instagram, no matter how those yoga booty shots liven up your afternoon.
Because without a doubt what goes on next. Finally, she leaves her husband. Those hate-filled sessions with a divorce lawyer make her frisky as hell and you also have crazy, all-night sex. She lets you know the method that you excite her with techniques her old husband never could. You are feeling like more of a guy. You feel such as this is it – you’ve finally found the main one.
She probably thinks a similar thing at first. And, a couple of months later, she gets bored again. Or, worse – per year later, after you’re married. Because, remember, initially, her husband was a dream, like everyone else. And the dream died. She realized he wasn’t perfect. Now, she realizes that you are not either. All your habits irritate her to a fantastic extent. She starts faking orgasms.
And that new guy at her work – well, he’s charming. He’s exotic-seeming. He’s confident. He’s a little short, sure, but he’s built, and he’s got great style. She finds him on Facebook – just to allow them to discuss work. Then, casually, 1 day, he invites her out for a glass or two after work. Only a friendly drink, he assures her. What could fail?

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