THE LADY Who Liked Her Gravy and Mam

First Messages On OkCupid
I Asked Women To Critique My INTERNET DATING Messages – WE WERE HOLDING Brutal
This short article was originally published by AskMen UK.
Sending the initial message on an online dating service or app is something of an art. Not like an effective art where people can pay you money to be near it but one which if approached correctly can lead to a member of the contrary sex genuinely attempting to see you naked. So, actually it’s much better than proper art.
Despite my brain knowing this though, my first-message game requires a lot of work. THEREFORE I asked a few of my female human expert friends to critique a lot of actual first messages I’d sent some ladies on the web dating app, OKCupid
Why? Because this ever burning tyre-fire of a life of mine could always use more fuel, and I’m all about sharing the wisdom.
So, who did I manage to wrangle up?
Alex Sim-Wise is a journalist and presenter and has covered just about everything there is to cover on relationships and sex and can currently be found on Patreon where she does stuff for money.
Stephanie Soh is AskMen’s very own Staff Writer and has to put up with me moping around the work kitchen when a girl hasn’t messaged me back.
Natalie Spear is probably my oldest mate and has witnessed every single one of my ultimately failed relationships.
Sarah Morgan is an extremely funny comedy writer who sometimes pretends to laugh at my jokes in the pub because she’s nice like that.
Maria Grace is a young adult fiction writer who also happens to be my sister. What could possibly go wrong with that?
So there are the ladies who will now judge the deeply embarrassing and genuine first messages I sent to a bunch of unsuspecting females on OKCupid, trying to convince them to acknowledge my existence.
The Lady Who Liked Her Mam And Gravy
This is probably the most cringey one. Dunno what I was thinking but given it was sent at 11:46pm, I was probably drunk.
Sarah: I Honestly I don’t get why this is bad, unless it’s code. Or she didn’t actually put anything about gravy and her Mam. Then you’d sound like a negging murderer You’ve demonstrated you’ve read her profile and you’re paying a compliment that’s not about her face or tits, which are good things.
Steph: This is good. You’ve said that she’s made you laugh, instead of centered on her appearance as plenty of men have a tendency to do and the truth that you’ve already shown that one could have a laff before you’ve met is promising.
Nat: ‘Well done’! I laughed aloud when I saw that properly. Oh wait you’re being serious… ahem, shifting..as I’m sure she did.
Maria: It’s type of sweet. Because I really like gravy Mainly. As well as the thumbs up emoji is nice and PC.
Alex: You have to have just sent her a graphic of yourself counting money covered in gravy, saying, What can you consider of the shit, Sheila?” I’d have replied.
The Nerdy Girl
This girl is waaaaay above my fighting weight, BUT she’s a massively nerdy profile and wrote about Harley Quinn/Suicide Squad therefore i decided to chance my arm.
Alex: Dude, she happens to be a 27% match, that’s like watching a two star film on Netflix! This sort of gamble. All birds think they’re Harley Quinn, I’d are more impressed if she wrote about being thinking about I dunno, other activities. Beans. Nightmares. Kinder eggs. Nah. Pass.
Steph: I’d start questioning your sense of humour: Does he love Adam Sandler? Does he believe Little Britain may be the pinnacle of comedy?”
Sarah: What did she say about Suicide Squad? I really believe it’s risky to steam in with an unhealthy opinion with regards to a film because positivity is certainly nice but if this girl have been negative about Suicide Squad first afterward you were to trust whatever she said. Important Also, everything you reckon, or obtaining the beard wet?
The Shark Hat Lady
This lady carries a shark hat on and wrote lots about sharks on her behalf behalf profile therefore i liked her immediately. It’s important for that reason one to understand that I’ve some stuff about Bill Murray written on my profile
Nat: Weak!! I’m doubting your commitment to the one, much more likely you found her several beers in and thought, “Funny hat..yeah ,you will want to”
Steph: You’re commenting on something quirky and character-related such as a shark hat instead of saying nice tits” so that is clearly a positive.
Alex: Hating Bill Murray films is really a deal breaker and way more cringe. I think you dodged a bullet with this one.
Sarah: She hates Bill Murray films. Fuck her in the blowhole. (I know sharks don’t have…) Gav, we’ve found the main one woman on the globe that you’re too best for. Run.
The Hannibal Fan
Again, I had no business messaging this girl because of her being better looking when compared to a million of me BUT she mentioned Hannibal in her profile and I was literally watching Hannibal at that time. It was obviously designed to be…
Maria: Cringe as fk. You sound kinda stalkery. Or you are lying just to take up a chat. I love that you used the term ‘penultimate’ though. It implies that you will possibly not be thick.
Sarah: EASILY said I liked Hannibal and someone sent me a cheery message about liking Hannibal I’d answer it: probably something about how exactly great Hannibal is, or perhaps a fun quote from the show like I could smell your cnt! LOL!” (I haven’t seen Hannibal but I’m imagining he says that enough time, it’s like his catchphrase, right?)
Alex: I’d not message back to this, not since it is really a bad message but since it is really a bit forgettable/not urgent enough to distract me from wanking to Mollie Makes magazine.
Nat: Haha! Love your enthusiasm, does reek just a little being an overexcited child though! Relax love!
The Tea Drinker
This lady had a lot of stuff about tea and tea drinking on her behalf behalf profile which frequently means I would’ve binned her quickly BUT I have to say i liked her hair, so…
Nat: Sweet little bit of flirting over your shared love of tea! Worth a reply Definitely, if only to find your unconventional methods.
Sarah: You’re demonstrating that you read her profile and absorbed the info. You’ve not only smeared your penis over the screen on her behalf photos. You’re being truly a bit boasty, but boasty about tea. It’s hard to appear to be a prick if you are boasting about tea.
Maria: The message to her is sort of cringey, however, not creepy, so that’s alright.
Alex: This message appears like you want to teabag her.
THE NICE Life Lady
Our final girl mentioned THE NICE Life THREE TIMES on her behalf profile. As though I wasn’t messaging/marrying her…
Steph: Yeah this is good. EASILY had mentioned something obscure on my profile and someone got enthused about it too, I’d be like HE IS THE ONE. Tell me your address so I can send the ring.”
Alex: These websites are so hard, everyone just sounds like psychos. Modern life is rubbish.
Nat: Nailed it! This is cute and cool all at the same time. I kinda hope you do marry her.

So, conclusions. To be fair, I’m pretty happy with those critiques. I was preparing myself for way more brutal appraisal but then I am still single so that’s probably the most savage assessment of all.
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