Should I Give My Girlfriend A Second Chance

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is actually, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I’m freaking out here. My girlfriend of per year just confessed that she was cheating on me. I acquired suspicious after noticing that she was getting random texts at all hours. She denied that anything was going on initially, but I assume she got sick and tired of lying, because she came clean such as a week ago. I immediately informed her it had been over. But she’s trying very difficult to obtain me to take her back, like, calling me continuously, crying, telling me she’ll never repeat. She even sent me flowers at the job. At this stage I’m sort of torn. I still have many love on her behalf, and I wish to believe we are able to work this out. MUST I try to keep our relationship going?
– Heartbroken Harry
The Answer
Hi Heartbroken Harry,
No. Usually do not take her back. Ever. Just say no. Regardless of just how much she cries. Regardless of how much she brings up your shared past together. Turn her away. She had her chance. She blew it. It’s done now.
Sorry if that sounds a little blunt and merciless (because it is.) I know I’ve become known for waffly, even-handed dating advice that usually comes down to it depends.” But not in this instance. I am very, very against taking someone back after an affair. Maybe for those who have kids together – stay together for the kids. But you have, what, a social media presence together? Dude, it’s not worth it.
I know you need to. You have this whole shared past together that you remember rosily. That first awkward candle-lit dinner, for which you picked out three different outfits, none of which satisfied you. That walk back to her apartment, where each one of your nerves was firing wildly. The very first time you took a chance and said I love you.” Of course you want to do everything you can to go back to that place. That’s a totally understandable impulse.
But what you should know is that the magic fun-time happy-land you shared together no longer exists. One of the things that happens, as a relationship proceeds, is that your myths about the other person are dispelled, one by one. Sometimes that process goes well, and sometimes it goes poorly. Here, it’s gone very, very poorly. She’s revealed that she’s a way different person than you thought she was.
But cheating just happens,” doesn’t it? It’s just a one-time thing? That’s a way of thinking about cheating that gets bandied around by our increasingly permissive culture. It’s especially promoted by individuals who have cheated. And it’s BS. It has nothing to do with the reality of human behavior whatsoever.
It is true that there’s a moment before cheating, and a moment directly after, and that the boundary between those two moments in time might seem very thin. But it always takes a lot of decisions to get to that point, to that dangerous situation. If you’re a woman who’s cheated, you haven’t just spontaneously teleported right into a hot guy’s bedroom. You made the decision to wear an attractive outfit once you met that male acquaintance for coffee, also it wasn’t an innocent choice. When he suggested that you choose just one single drink,” you knew he was lying, and you also could’ve said no, nevertheless, you didn’t.
There were 100 tiny moments, basically, when she could’ve avoided the dangerous situation she put herself in. And she didn’t! At every moment, she find the excitement of another man’s attention on the integrity of one’s relationship. And every among those choices brought her nearer to a certain precipice.
Which isn’t the way you behave at all. Let’s discuss you, and just what a good guy you’re. Of course you can find women in your daily life who tempt you. That girl in yoga class with the mind-boggling butt who’s been checking you out lately. The main one ex you regret splitting up with, who’s recently started liking your entire photos on Facebook. You can find people in your orbit who you might have an affair with, in the event that you wanted to. You can engineer that situation.
And you don’t! As you know very well what would happen: you understand you’re a red-blooded male with regular hormones, and you also know that in the event that you were drunk alone with among those people, your more boner-related instincts would override your higher planning faculties. Which means you don’t do this. Great. Healthy. You’re behaving correctly.
The point that you’re cautious and protect your relationship, and the truth that she doesn’t, says a lot about her. If not her soul itself, at least about where she is in her life, and how important the relationship is to her. She’s at a point where thrill-seeking and novelty is more of a priority for her than a relationship. And that’s fine! That’s most people who are in their twenties. But you don’t have to put up with it. And you shouldn’t.
Now, it’s possible that you’re reading all of this and you don’t believe me. You think she really has changed, that this isn’t a pattern of behavior. Well, I think you’re being a little dopey, but I’ll suspend my disbelief for a second, and say that even if she’s changed, you shouldn’t take her back. Why? Because of how this has changed you.
You’re a big boy, so be real with me now. Are you ever going to trust her, ever, the same way that you did? When she goes out with her girlfriends, are you going to believe that she won’t end up bumping and grinding with some moisturized idiot in head-to-toe shiny Zara business casual? If she goes to Paris for work, will you ever be sure that she won’t also be there for pleasure? No, right? You’ll always be at least a little suspicious.
And that’s no way to live. The foundation of a great relationship is trust. That’s what makes a great relationship so thrilling. It’s funny that commitment has become sort of synonymous with sacrifice in our culture, because commitment is honestly the best section of dating someone: you understand that they can love you and stick by you provided that they’re true in their mind. So you can live life without the concern with loneliness or rejection, also it can make you an improved, bolder person.
That isn’t there now. You do not have that. Making any relationship you have with this particular woman type of a sham. And you also don’t want a sham relationship. So say no, and begin recovering from this thing now. Get wasted if you want to. Go on some online dating services immediately and rebound heavily. Or do the solitude thing. Hell, head to India for two weeks and meditate. Whatever needs doing. You’ll recover, I understand it. Unlike the girl who cheated you, you’re a solid person.

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