She Wont Commit But Wont RELEASE

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is actually, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Ahhhhh Dating Nerd,
This girl I’m seeing is actually great. Like, sometimes I must pinch myself to be sure I’m awake. We go out, we text, we go bowling, we attach, but she won’t invest in me. What the hell am I doing wrong?
– Scared She Won’t Commit
The Answer
Dear Scared,
When you say that girl won’t invest in you, what do you mean exactly? Has she threatened to murder you in cold blood if you ever change your relationship status on Facebook? Has she signed a legal contract saying she’ll never buy you a Valentine’s Day present ? Does she have an anaphylactic reaction to the idea of keeping a toothbrush at your place?
I’m assuming not. My assumption is that when you say She won’t commit,” you mean that she’s implied that she’s not interested in being your exclusive main squeeze, and you haven’t raised much of a protest in response. You haven’t really made a stand. When she said that commitment didn’t entirely appeal to her, you dropped the subject. And you kept going along with the kind of relationship she wants, not the kind of relationship you want.
And it’s, y’know, it’s OK. The sex is good. The conversation is easy. You laugh a lot. You’re proud that people see you in public together. But you’re always in a little bit of emotional pain. You’re entertaining fantasies about vacations together, about the cool apartment you could have, even, God help you, about marriage. Fantasy and reality are painfully close but never quite meet. Meanwhile, you have to put up with the knowledge that she’s probably seeing other guys – maybe you’re having waking nightmares about whatever goateed douchebag is also seeing her naked. But you put up with this. You don’t tell her, ever, that she has to get serious or get lost.
Now, as cowardly as this is, I get it. Really, I do. You don’t want to freak her out, because you don’t want to lose her. You want to be cool, or low-key, or no-drama, or whatever other synonym for catatonic” the kids are using these days. You’re worried that if you assert yourself, this beautiful girl will run away to some other milquetoast submissive who will conform themselves to her every desire.
So you’ve settled on an alternate approach – the long game. This is the plan where you’re just going to keep your non-relationship going, until, someday, she notices you are boyfriend material, of which point a full-blown relationship will suddenly bloom. Surely, something will convince her: when she tastes your wonderful spaghetti sauce, or notices your progress at the fitness center, or sees just how much your co-workers as if you. At this time, she’ll completely love you and renounce her easygoing ways.
This seems like the safe, easy option, I know. And I’m sure there are lots of things about you that are worth loving. Your immaculately maintained undesired facial hair, or whatever.
But this type of long game you’re playing is really a guaranteed fail. And a slow one – a gradual way to a growing number of misery. If you continue in this manner, months from now, you’ll be scratching your mind, wondering why you can’t lock this girl down. And she’ll be happy you are sleeping with her whenever she wants, without burdening her with the necessity of caring about you. Maybe she’s happily maintaining a roster of several dudes, while you’re thinking about her, and her alone.
And here’s why: You’re showing her that she doesn’t have to take your desires seriously. That she will get everything she wants, while paying hardly any attention to your preferences. That you’re totally cool with the truth that you showed her your heart, and she, in response, asked in the event that you wished to watch something on Netflix.
Obviously, how you treat someone affects what they think about you. Invest the a woman out for fancy dinners , she’ll assume you have money. In the event that you text a woman in all-caps, she’ll assume you’re an idiot. And when you become a doormat, well, she’ll assume you’re a doormat.
As soon as she gets it in her head you are that kind of person, it’s likely that, that’s what she’ll think about you permanently. People’s minds are hard to improve. Consider it: When you are through your day, are you currently fully taking into consideration the humanity of each person you meet, predicated on all of the up-to-date information? No. You’re not a super-computer, you’re just a regular guy who secretly likes Broadway musicals. (It’s OK, really.) You make judgement calls about people, and then update your judgements only if absolutely necessary.
So you’re continuously making an impression – the impression that you’re a pushover – every time you answer this girl’s text at whatever-clock, and every time you play it cool when she calls some other guy when you’re out together, and every time she flakes out on your plans. And so, every day, it becomes less and not as likely that she’ll actually be your girlfriend someday.
Don’t do that. Don’t teach somebody you are a feeble person, unless you wish to be one. Actually become you mean it. Tell her that the casual thing was fun although it lasted, nevertheless, you can’t go on it anymore. Tell her that she’s great, but if she won’t date you for real, another person will.
There is a catch here, though. Once you do this, you will need to cozy up to the terrifying reality that she might say no. Maybe she actually doesn’t value you enough to be a long-term partner. There’s a possibility that, in her mind, everything you can offer her isn’t worth it – the multiple orgasms , the Disneyland passes, the private jet flights, whatever.
Embrace it. If she feels this way, you should know – you should be aware that you have a lot to give, and you should give it to somebody who can take it. If she doesn’t want you, you shouldn’t want her. I know that it might seem painful to go back to online dating apps , or chatting up girls in bars, or even spending a bit of time alone. But it’s better than compromising your dignity. So tell her that you won’t do that anymore. For her sake and yours.

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