She Wants To RECONCILE

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is actually, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
THEREFORE I was totally deeply in love with this girl. We’d an excellent thing going, and we were maybe half a year in. I was needs to take into account the future, and she said she was considering that, too. And she got employment overseas, and became popular. Per year later, her contract ended, and she’s back town. She really wants to get back together. Apparently she missed me a whole lot, and she’s realized that I was vital that you her, and doesn’t desire to let me go. Using one level I would like to believe her. But on another level, I’m uncertain easily should. What must i do?
– Heartbroken Harry
The Answer
Hi Heartbroken Harry,
Don’t take action. Your ex-girlfriend is trouble. Not trouble in the sense that, like, she’s a spy. That she’s trouble for you personally. She’s unable of offering what you would like. She might claim otherwise. And I disagree.
If you want to take me at face value, it is possible to basically stop reading now. Look at me, being all efficient. But if you want my justification because of this rather bold statement, and you would like to be convinced of my depressing diagnosis of one’s situation, please continue reading.
So, you can find two ways of studying someone. Either it is possible to listen to what they state, or you can observe what they do. The latter, in almost every case, is much more accurate than the former. It is rare for people to obtain even slightly accurate self-knowledge. You understand how sometimes you visit a dude at the fitness center struggling to bench 50 more pounds than he is able to? And he can’t obtain it off his chest, but he just keeps trying?
That’s the way many people are, mentally. We think we’re a very important factor, but we’re actually another. We’re much less honest, special, principled, or smart once we think we are. We know how stupid we were five years ago, but somehow, we don’t reflect on the truth that, five years from now, we’ll probably feel the same way about ourselves. This is pretty understandable: A little self-deception is a good way to stay sane.
However, our actions are very clear-cut. Either we rush into the burning building to save the cat, or we don’t. Either we put up with our girlfriend when she’s being annoying, or we don’t. And, as many those who are smarter than me have said, you’re the sum of your actions. You know how people sometimes say “I wasn’t being myself”? You’re always being yourself. What they mean is, “My actions, unfortunately, betrayed the incorrectness of my self-image.”
So. This girl dumped you for work. And this says something really simple. It says that you’re not her priority. There’s nothing more to it than that. While it’s painful to accept, the only real conclusion is that she was willing to discard you for a little more money and glory. Now, I’m not coming down on her for that. That’s kind of cool, actually. She’s a driven, ambitious career woman, who’s willing to forsake the comforts of a relationship for the discomfort and tension of a new job. Good for her.
But not good for you, right? You’re playing second fiddle. As good as your relationship gets, you know that, if it’s the choice between you and a sweet CCO position, you’re gone. And that means that there’s always going to be this low-level anxiety in the back of your head. You’re always going to wonder whether she’s getting that LinkedIn notification that may destroy your intimate life. And you’re going to find yourself wishing that she doesn’t get that promotion, or get posted to the Tokyo office, or whatever else. Essentially, you’ll be wishing that your girlfriend doesn’t get what she wants. And that’s a lousy place to be.
Again, she might tell you otherwise. That she really wants to be with you this time, that she made a big mistake. And I’m sure she means it. But I’m sure you also told your high school girlfriend that you could see yourself being with her forever. And you meant it at the time. We are all very persuaded by our noble sentiments concerning the person we think we have to be. But that makes conflict with the individual we actually are, each time. At this time, she’s lonely, and she wants companionship. But if she gets that companionship, she’ll feel alright again, and she’ll start attempting to get ahead in her career.
I’ve been in an extremely similar situation. Charlie was a good girl. And being that she was smart, she didn’t desire to head to University of Regular Invest Canada. She wished to study at Oxford, and be a celebrated academic. And she did a one-year program there, leaving me behind, getting wasted and reading her old emails, for per month. Eventually, though, I continued some internet dating apps , had some fun times, and got myself together.
Until Charlie returned, per year later. And explained that she really missed me, and that she could really see some potential inside our relationship. While learning to be a professor at some far-flung university was cool and all, she missed getting up with me each morning. She was totally convincing, especially in her new skirt she got created by an excellent British tailor.
You can view where that is going. Things were heavenly again, for a time. Until our relationship hit exactly the same rhythm again. Of which point, she accepted a brilliant cool job at NYU. While I didn’t expect her to show that down, I felt as an idiot, since it was like I was in a goddamned time machine. Or I was among those characters in a horror movie who switches into the dark basement alone. It had been so predictable. She had shown me how she would break my heart. And I let her take action anyway. And this is most likely what this girl is gonna do for you, as well.
And, look, if you are willing to go with that, fine. If you are ready to get your heart broken again, there’s very little I can tell you. But recognize that you’re on a suicide mission. Recognize that you can’t reside in some fairyland where she loves you, and you also alone, and most of her other goals are secondary. I’m sure she loved you a lot, in her way. That you were an incredibly fun and fulfilling person to date. But, ultimately, you were a diversion from what was really going on. And you’ll be that again, if you take her back.

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