Lying Girlfriend

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we can say for certain is that he is in fact, excellent at dating. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
Day Up until the other, I had a fantastic relationship choosing my new girlfriend. It’s 3 months in and it’s really really been all smiles. But I caught her in a big lie simply, and I’m furious. Since we’ve been dating, she’s been constantly texting a girlfriend of hers.” Like, daytime, nighttime. Which made me suspicious never. Until, that’s, she was left by her phone on the bed, it buzzed frequently also, and I saw these were texts from James.” A dude. Since that right time, I’ve taken several peeks over her shoulder while she’s texting her supposed female friend, and it’s really really this James guy again. I am aware she’s without an affair, because we together spend just about any moment. But this seems majorly sketchy easily am asked by you. SHOULD I dump her? What the hell here’s being conducted?
– Lied-To Larry
The Answer
Hi Lied-To Larry,
Your anger is quite justified, also it ‘d be felt by me. Being lied to, consistently, feels awful. Underneath underneath you shifts Suddenly. You don’t know whether it’s possible to trust anything your partner says. And you feel just like an idiot for buying into the lies just. It’s embarrassing. It’s terrible. However, while I really do advocate taking this pattern of lying seriously really, I don’t believe you should dump your girlfriend. What you should do is have a difficult conversation with her.
Hear me out. Think this over. Once we all know, not absolutely all lies are manufactured equal. You can find different examples of dishonesty. At one end of the spectrum, we’ve a mafia hitman claiming he was visiting his aging grandmother when he was actually shooting a witness in the guts with a crossbow. On another final end, we’ve someone posting Instagram pictures about their amazing life when they’re actually super depressed and rarely venture out. They’re both lies, sure. But beyond being deceptive, those lies don’t have a very lot in keeping. They will have way different motives, and different effects.
Similarly, your girlfriend’s lies aren’t all that deceptive. Personally, I’d give her at best a 3.6/10 on the dishonesty scale, if 10” is telling your child that the earth is flat.” As you know, she didn’t lie to conceal an affair. And it’s not like she’s hiding a heroin habit, or a criminal history, or a secret profile on an online dating site What she did was lying about the gender of a friend of hers. There’s a strong possibility that the only thing she was doing was trying to avoid making you jealous, and that this male friend is harmless and won’t threaten your relationship in any way. As it stands, this isn’t the end of the planet. It’s not like all of your relationship was premised on who exactly she was texting. And, well, predicated on your reaction, you’re, actually, a jealous person, so we are able to understand her motives.
Again, none of the would be to say that she did the proper thing. Also, incidentally, I’ve jealous tendencies too. Lots of people do. So I’m not judging you to be jealous. Jealousy is really a normal emotion. What I’m saying is that is not a catastrophic situation which should cause you to pull the trigger with this relationship immediately. Giving an answer to this like it’s serious is warranted. Responding this to the like it is the apocalypse is not.
It is advisable to confront this. Nevertheless, you should do it correctly. Don’t flip a table, rage around her apartment, break many of her dinner plates, and call her a cruel names. Don’t level serious accusations against her that you can’t back up with facts. Instead, have a genuine conversation. Ask her questions, and listen. Like, really listen. Don’t just crumple up that person in anger watching her mouth move. Learn why she lied. Learn whether she has a brief history with this particular guy. And, and only then, you understand some real information once, tell her that her behavior was problematic, nevertheless, you need to discover a strategy to use past it.
In other words, you ought to be a grown-up – confident and assertive, not reactionary or close-minded. Moreover, this can be an opportunity to improve your relationship. After all, an ideal relationship can be an honest one. Where one can tell your lady that she probably shouldn’t go in to the bathroom as you just dropped a significant little bit of ass. Where she can let you know that she doesn’t value baseball statistics, so a rambling conversation your preferred team is wasted on her behalf. Where one can finally tell her about all of the weird sex stuff you should do, and she may go with it. A genuine relationship where you talk to one another is funnier, sexier, and safer.
And incredibly few relationships focus on perfect honesty. Most relationships focus on a little bit of deception. You do not tell your brand-new girlfriend about all of your bad habits, or all your problems with monogamy. Most relationships reach honesty after confronting dishonesty. As you become familiar with one another, your connection deepens, and you also get to a genuine point where one can tell one another about all the dirty, messy details about who you actually are. You can move past the nonsense you told each other initially, and get to a realer place.
My current relationship was like this. Initially, my girlfriend didn’t tell me about what she actually wanted – a marriage and long-term stability. She essentially went along with what I wanted – a free, easy relationship, without major commitments. But, eventually, I then found out that wasn’t actually the reality. She was hiding something from me. Like your girlfriend, she was sugar-coating reality therefore i would hang in there. And, in ways, this made sense: Marriage hasn’t been appetizing if you ask me.
When I then found out she was lying, I was angry. But I didn’t dump her. Instead, we’d an authentic conversation about our actual goals. We achieved meaningful compromise and discussion. And today I’m in the very best relationship I’ve ever inhabited. My entire life will be considerably impoverished easily made a rash decision predicated on my short-term emotions. That could be the case for you personally.
I’m not guaranteeing a good outcome here. More often than not there exists a chance you’re dating a pathological liar actually. When I say that you can have a difficult conversation, and confront this, it might not end well. Maybe since it happens that she’s flirting using this type of guy in a substantial way because she doesn’t think there is a future together. Or perhaps she agrees to boost her behavior but doesn’t. This can be a potential bummer. However, not. So don’t jump to conclusions.
Keep an open mind, keep your sht together, and also have the cojones to control this in a rational way also, of acting based on pride and rage instead. This may you have to be one unfortunate episode within an extended, beautiful relationship. As Captain Planet would say, the power is yours.

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