Leaving One Woman For Another

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
So my relationship has turned into a nightmare. My live-in girlfriend and I basically fight at all times now. We don’t have any fun, ever, and our sex life is nonexistent. All we do is torture each other. We’re definitely headed for a breakup, and honestly it might happen any day now. But, Not long ago i met this girl (let’s call her Sarah) through might work, and I’m infatuated with her. She’s totally amazing. It looks like she’s precisely what my current girlfriend isn’t. She’s also definitely thinking about me. Will there be anything wrong with leaving my current relationship for a fresh one?
– Rebounding Rudy
The Answer
Hi Rebounding Rudy,
That is really, truly wii idea. You absolutely shouldn’t stick with your girlfriend if the partnership is certainly going as badly as you say. Nevertheless, you shouldn’t leap directly into someone else’s arms. I understand it appears tempting, but almost certainly, it’ll just result in more heartbreak and loneliness.
You probably know someone who found their real love soon after leaving their not-true love. It can happen. It’s physically possible. Nevertheless, you hear about this because it’s the happy ending fairytale story. What you don’t hear about is the dude who left his wife for his secretary, and then found himself alone three months later. That dude isn’t bragging about anything. He’s too busy crying in his therapist’s office, or masturbating alone in a Motel 6 somewhere by a highway. And that dude is most dudes who rush into a new relationship too quickly after a previous one.
You would like to leave your girlfriend because there are a myriad of problems in the relationship Every day is absolutely miserable. There are constant fights and you don’t even know what they’re about or how they started. You wake up tired and you go to bed angry. Even your girlfriend’s smell, which you used to love, bothers you now, fundamentally. You feel like you’re in an airless cell. Escape is tempting. I get it, I really do. That’s rational.
What’s not rational is the way you’re viewing this new girl. It seems like you see her as an emotional oasis in person form. A combination therapist, friend, and sex machine who will save your life, and end all your problems, and mend the jagged hole in your heart created by your disastrous current relationship. And while I’m sure she’s lovely, this new love interest of yours, I can assure you that she’s not that. She’s not the answer to the question of your life. She isn’t a perfect solution. She’s just a human.
By the way, this is something you should look out for generally. Be wary of looking at anyone as your True Love, or your destiny personified, or the person who will save you. Yes, a great relationship can make your life better. But even the most miraculously wonderful person is, unfortunately, a person. Just like you, any woman that you’re smitten with will have pretty complicated issues.
Like this new girl of yours. She’s a human being, too. So chances are decent that she does a lot of annoying things you don’t know about yet, and you do a lot of annoying things she doesn’t know about yet. Maybe you chew loudly with your mouth open. Maybe she’ll be uncomfortable with oral sex, period. Whatever. I don’t know, because I can’t tell the future. And neither can you. Which means that when you’re dating somebody new, you have to be cognizant of the fact that you’re exploring the unknown, and you have to be ready for anything you find.
Which, most probably, you are not ready for. Ultimately, what you are considering at this time, in your vulnerable state, may be the perfect version of one’s current girlfriend. That ethereal creature you remember from the honeymoon phase, who you thought might save your valuable life. Of course you need that. The only real problem is that the individual you need doesn’t exist anymore. Every relationship is really a unique little microcosm, created out of two unique people, in two very particular points within their lives. You can’t get that back now. Sorry.
You skill, eventually, is find someone very different, and create something new with them. You will discover a new sort of love than you’d before – not better, probably, but different, in refreshing ways. However when I say eventually,” I must say i do mean eventually.” You’re, I guarantee it, not ready for that at this time. Even though this girl you’re infatuated by is often a potential wife , you’ll very probably screw it up. You will be overly sensitive, and needy, and hasty, and you will scare her away, or be frightened away, because your heart has been stomped on, repeatedly, for years. You just don’t possess the emotional energy at this time.
So what can you do instead? Well, first, you split up with your girlfriend, that will involve the incredibly terrible procedure for getting the actual breakup, accompanied by the a lot more terrible procedure for getting your entire stuff back. Then, you endure many lonely nights, where you’ll feel like a completely dysfunctional being – such as a robot whose circuits have gone haywire. Used to sleeping alone again will take some time. And during that time, you’ll suffer from insomnia, so you’ll lurch, half-awake, through your sad life.
And then, slowly, you’ll start to feel better. And you’ll remember all the fun stuff you used to do before your life was swallowed up by a suffocating co-dependent relationship. Remember when you had friends? You’ll hang out with them again. Also, you’ll get tired of sitting around your apartment alone, so you’ll go out into the world, and discover new things. Maybe you’ll take a kickboxing class, or go on a bicycling trip, or take an online course so you can get ahead in your career.
You will, quite simply, survive, and by surviving, you’ll evolve. At some point, you’ll realize that you’re no longer filled with self-hate and bitterness. I can’t tell you how long that’ll take. Sometimes it takes a couple of months. Sometimes it takes longer. It’s not science. But, inevitably, you’ll heal up, and be a wiser, more interesting person. That’s when you go back on the serious dating market. Not before.
And if you just can’t deal with not getting laid until then, well, I’m gonna cautiously recommend that you seek out some casual sex But if you go that route, be very, very careful you don’t get confused by temporary sexual relief – where I mean that you should not mistake boners for love, that is a thing that hurt men often do. You’ll feel real love again, don’t worry. But it does take awhile.

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