IS IT POSSIBLE TO Date Someone After Being Friends First

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I’m kind of in love with one of my best friends. And I think it’s possible that she feels the same way about me. Initially, things didn’t seem romantic, but the energy between us has changed over time. And I’m wondering: do you think it’s a good idea to pursue a friend? Do you think that can lead to a good relationship?
– Amorous Alex
The Answer
Hi Alex,
So I have a suspicion concerning this letter of yours. I’m guessing that what you need me to say is yes.” That you need to absolutely throw yourself at this girl, that the length of your friendship is no obstacle, that the desire in your noble, manly heart will conquer all. Well, if that’s what you want, I’m going to save you a while right now.
That is not my opinion. I don’t think that it’s necessarily wise to pursue your friend romantically. In fact, I think you would be risking a great deal, and the chances of reward aren’t exactly stellar. My recommendation, unless you’re zealously, unshakably attracted to this friend of yours, is that you sign up for a few online dating sites , buy a few new outfits, and play the field for a bit. There are lots of cool people out there.
This is not to say it’s impossible for friends to become lovers. It happens. And sometimes a friendship can provide a great basis for a really deep attachment. But that’s definitely the exception and not the rule. And I can do is tell you why that is, so you have a better chance of figuring out whether your situation might become one of those lovely outliers where you end up happily in twoo wuv.
Let’s start by taking a step back. So, generally, the iron law of male/female friendship, presuming that both parties involved are interested in the opposite sex, is that such friendships form because there’s a lot of mutual admiration, but no sexual attraction to fuel it. An average scenario goes such as this: You flirt with a cute girl at a celebration, and the conversation is amusing and perhaps even profound, but once you hang out even more, in times where there is no alcohol around, as it happens that there’s zero sexual chemistry. About 90% of that time period, that’s how it goes.
And, unfortunately, attraction levels are often fixed. Which is to state, if someone didn’t desire to find out with you in a few previous era you will ever have, chances are they don’t really want to slobber around you now. You will most probably find this to be true in the event that you reflect on your own private experience. Go on Facebook and look up someone who expressed unreturned interest in you, say, four years ago. Are you more interested in her now? Maybe marginally – maybe she has a better fashion sense now; maybe a more impressive career. However your basic attitude probably hasn’t radically transformed, right?
Of course, you can find rare exceptions here. Occasionally, people can move up several rungs on the attractiveness ladder. Perhaps you execute a Chris Pratt and radically change your physique. Or you execute a Mark Zuckerberg and go from being truly a random nerd to a robust rich person. But more often than not, adult folks are roughly as attractive now as they’ll ever be. Personality, that is such a huge element in attraction, tends never to change drastically. Shy people stay shy. Outgoing people stay outgoing. Tortured artists, power-hungry maniacs, sports bros – they usually do not become drastically differing people.
But maybe you’re still reading, because you’re one of these brilliant exceptions, and you’ve pointed out that your longtime friend’s gaze is lingering you in ways it didn’t used to, as well as your hugs are suddenly more prolonged and tighter than they was previously, and, suddenly, you’re both creating a lot of excuses to invest time alone together. Great! Happy for you. Nevertheless, you still may be facing an uphill battle here. Why? Well, asking your friend out within an appropriate fashion is actually really hard.
Compare the problem you’re in to a far more mundane romantic scenario – like, say, an initial date. People regard first dates as scary, but really, they’re not so hard, because there’s a great deal of default social frameworks around them. Everybody knows what’s going to happen. You check each other out, figure out whether there’s some sort of spark, and, crucially, you know that you’re probably going to kiss at the end, if things go well. So, when you go for her face at the end of the night, at the very worst, you’ll get confronted with a cheek.
That’s not the case with you. You can’t just randomly decide to make out with your friend, or go in for a kiss at a random moment, because, even in a moment that feels pregnant with a lot of romantic tension, that’s not what’s on the script. If you do, and your friend isn’t expecting it, and it’s unwelcome, this might even constitute sexual harassment Not because that’s your intention, but because you might have read the signals wrong – we’ve all been there – in which case you’re just initiating unwelcome physical contact. Not good.
What this means is that the best you can do is have a hideously awkward conversation. Terrible, I know. You’ve got to sit your female friend down and say, hey, I know it is a little weird, and maybe out of nowhere, but… as time goes by, I’ve found myself feeling more attracted to you in a way that’s not strictly platonic, and I was wondering whether you feel similar at all.” (Or however you would say the equivalent thing.) At which point, she either expresses joyful surprise, or cautious curiosity, or apologetic repulsion. And either your friendship gets taken to another level, or it gets killed off, or it somehow survives the awkwardness.
This is what you have to keep in mind – that you might well be rejected. That it is, in fact, pretty probable your poetic advances will undoubtedly be totally unappreciated. And when here is the case, it’s incredibly important that you be considered a gentleman about any of it. Don’t whine and complain and make an effort to change her mind by pleading your case. Remember: Your intense feelings towards someone don’t change the truth that they don’t really owe you anything. You will need to respect that is her decision to create, and you are putting her in a fairly intense situation by baring all that volcanic emotion you are carrying around.
If you still opt to go for it, regardless of all my cautionary ranting, I must say i wish you luck.

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