Is It Okay If She Hangs Out With Another Man

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
My girlfriend keeps hanging out with that one male friend. Whenever we first started dating me she assured me that she didn’t see he that way and he didn’t see her this way. It had been nothing to be worried about. Great, who cares? I thought. It had been the honeymoon phase and nothing could bring me down. Fast forward eight months and they are still hanging out a few times a month, and you know very well what also, right now it’s started to reach me. It just… everything seems type of weird. I don’t desire to believe that she’s cheating on me (actually, I don’t think that she’s cheating on me) nonetheless it does make me feel shitty and I have no idea that I trust this other guy’s intentions. After all, what straight guy includes a female friend he doesn’t at least consider boning, right? What the hell do I really do?
– Insecure CONCERNING THE Other Guy
The Answer
Hi Insecure,
Of all uncomfortable things about being truly a dude – having your balls stuck to your leg, prostate cancer, etcetera – probably the most difficult is managing your stupid inner caveman essentially. Do you know what happens I’m discussing. You’re an excellent, refined person, but there’s this primitive voice inside you. The voice of a territorial, chest-beating idiot whose entire frontal cortex has been replaced with a big bag of testosterone. This can be a inner voice who encourages all of your worst behavior – leering for extended periods at every woman around you, bragging about your achievements loudly, and, more relevant here, being blindly, jealous indiscriminately , set up situation warrants it.
Everybody knows that, on some known level, we get yourself a little consumed with stress when our girlfriend is getting together with a handsome guy. Your eyeball starts to twitch a little just. You wonder if he could possibly be beaten by one to a bloody pulp, in a pinch. You obtain territorial in a negative way Basically. Your caveman brain is screaming at you – your caveman brain says you’re in big trouble, and you ought to immediately react.
And you need to tell that right the main mind to shut up. Because, well, it’s simple for you’re actually facing some type of significant relationship situation here. Maybe she’s actually considering cheating you, or is only becoming somewhat emotionally attached. But before you select that, you should employ your judgement. Decelerate. Actually take into account the details. Notice that, if your girlfriend does not have a single feeling due to this dude beyond friendship, you will come off as an insecure douche in the event that you tell her she should stop getting together with him.
Think about it. Do you want it if your girlfriend hassled you about you getting together with your female friends ? Most likely not, right? You’ll feel caged. Trapped. Resentful concerning the fact that you’re needing to focus on your girlfriend’s childish neuroticism. In the end, we’re not in medieval times. Folks have friends of most genders.
My recommendation, therefore, is you do not make a solid rule about whether your girlfriend can or can’t go out with any male friends. You will have to embark on a case by case basis. Your suspicions may be warranted. But, in many instances, you should investigate suspicions, not trust them immediately. Sometimes smoke means fire, but sometimes smoke just means someone’s smoking a large fat doobie. Your instincts are worth hearing, however, not worth immediately obeying. Really examine whether you can find any signs that she’s a major lady-boner because of this guy, then, if you feel she does, improve the subject.
Also, another caveat I should add here, which might be hard to take, but which is, unfortunately, true: having crushes when you’re in a romantic relationship is extremely normal. Unless you’re the two ugliest people on the planet, who’ve found one another luckily, you’re both likely to experience feelings of link with other folks before you die. Coping with this is one among the less fun elements of any monogamous relationship. Don’t throw a tantrum, don’t immediately run to the nearest online dating site
So what does using your judgement look like? Don’t worry, it’s not particularly difficult – you’re probably pretty experienced in your girlfriend’s behavior, so you know what it looks like when she’s excited about somebody. Recall your first few dates, and the adorable look on her face when she saw you across the bar. Remember how your jokes always made her laugh, even when they weren’t funny at all. Maybe she was always sort of suppressing a smile – the corners of her lips were always tilting gently upwards.
Does any of this occur when your girlfriend gets a text from this dude? Does his presence generate a higher calibre of happiness than a brush with a dude friend usually does? Is she having a hard time keeping a straight face when she mentions him?
They are moderately important signs that there surely is something going on. However the much more serious question is whether she’s being shady about him Does she say she’s getting together with ‘a friend’ rather than saying his name? If you suggest the three of you venture out together maybe, is his schedule full suddenly?
If the answers to numerous these questions are ‘yeah’ or ‘kinda appears to be it’, you need to probably get hold of your girlfriend concerning this then. Where I don’t mean threaten to kill the guy involved. Or bang your shoe up for grabs, call your girlfriend a liar, and move all of your stuff right out of the apartment. Calm down. You need to be a guy here: assertive, confident, reasonable. Say Just, Hey, Personally i think like we should discuss your friendship with insert name of knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing idiot here.”
Actually, I am in this example before – on the other hand. Yeah, I was that guy.” My friendship with this particular girl Caroline was, well, a touch too good. She kept telling me I smelled really nice, that is a slightly weird thing for an attached girl to state to an unattached guy. We’d be going out for coffee, but we’d find yourself eating at a fantastic restaurant together, that is not exactly a standard platonic bro-down activity. My feelings concerning the situation were conflicted. While I enjoyed the eye, I knew the whole lot was just a little suspicious. 1 of 2 things were likely to happen: our friendship would end, or her relationship.
And I must give her boyfriend credit. He saw that which was going on, and he approached it in the simplest way possible. 1 day, Caroline called me and said, Hey, so, Steve said that maybe our friendship gets a touch too close for comfort. He trusted me when I said that nothing happened, but he’s not totally happy about us seeing one another. Would it not be OK if we didn’t go out solo from now on? Or at least for the near future?” That seemed good to me. I agreed to those terms.
Be like Steve. Go into this with your brain switched on and don’t freak out. This can be a very common moment of monogamous stress. It’s not a big deal. It’ll only get out of hand if you allow it.

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