HOW TO Overcome Anxiety About Seeming Creepy

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown really. What we are able to say for several is that he is in fact, good at dating really. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake an extended bar tab at, and he’s here to greatly help the common guy step his dating game up a notch – or several. Need his help? Email [email protected]
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I’m 30-something and I’ve pretty horrible silly anxiety problems around girls that have kept me away from women for just about my whole life. Except for kissing stuff in college and cuddling in high school, I haven’t done anything. The online world and bars appears to be the only place I can go. My therapist says I should try Tinder just to start to get used to it. Is there a safe place I can go to begin being around women without them automatically thinking I’m a serial killer or something? I’m not a hunchback who weighs a metric ton so I guess that helps. Should I say anything or keep my mouth shut about being a virgin? How do I convince some poor girl I’ve really hardcore anxiety stuff and I simply don’t desire to die alone? Thanks for at the very least reading this far.
– The 30-Something Virgin
The Answer
Hi Virgin,
Your letter is remarkably sweet, so that it pains me that I must respond in a somewhat harsh fashion. Nevertheless, I really do. You see, sender, you’ve got a real, valid problem – that you can’t achieve normal romance as you get overexcited in the presence of an XX chromosome – an issue anxious dudes as if you have contended with because the first Neanderthal lost a boner. But you’re asking sort of a stupid question about any of it, which is this:
Will there be a safe place I could head to begin being around women without them automatically thinking I’m a serial killer or something?”
The question is stupid in two ways. For starters, it betrays that a lot of perennial symptom of anxiety, catastrophic thinking – the main one where an anxious person is propelled by way of a pimple on their lip into a long series of fearful calculations at the end of which they’re convinced that they have not only herpes but full-blown AIDS and will certainly die immediately. Quite simply, you’re assuming the very, very worst – that any bad outcome shall be horrible. You seemingly think that She thinks I’m a serial killer” is equivalent to She doesn’t want one glass of wine with me.” I want to disabuse you of this notion – they’re not.
Given that women cope with male harassment on a day-to-day basis and do, actually, have to be cautious with sexual predators, it’s, needless to say, a bit possible that you will creep out your potential love interest – but, particularly if you’re a conscientious person as if you seem to be, it is possible to avoid that. Probably, you won’t be looked at some type of monster, you’ll just maybe get consigned to the men she won’t kiss on the mouth” pile. That’s its circle of hell, however, not the worst one definitely.
Putting that aside for an instantaneous: The truly seriously foolish thing about your question is the safe place” part. That’s important. There is absolutely no such thing absolutely! Meaning, there is no realistic circumstance you’ll be able to engineer in which you’ll be able to control somebody’s feelings. In any situation virtually. You merely can’t. You can, actually, be some woman’s perfect potential husband – really the only man who could ever bring her to orgasm or raise her children to be anything aside from animal-torturing slumlords – but nonetheless be rejected, after sweet-talking her in the smoothest way possible in the perfect bar in town.
Accept this. It shall not be easy. But as as you accept that the opportunity of rejection is unavoidable soon, you move from the problem – that you will not approach a female unless you’re sure she’ll be thinking about you – to an issue that is actually solvable, the question of the way you minimize your likelihood of rejection.
Also? Rejection isn’t that bad. In the moment to be shot down, it could feel just like a band-aid ripped directly off your heart. But, at worst, it could make you just a little sad for each day or two. That certainly beats the day-in, day-out horror of wondering whether anyone might ever touch your private parts, ever.
Still, rejection isn’t ideal So below are a few remarks I must make about approaching women, with you specifically at heart. Seemingly, you’re fixated on the theory that you may come off as just a little creepy. There is a pretty easy solution here: Don’t approach a female so that she can’t comfortably ignore you. Women are cornered by men continuously – put into situations where they can not easily refuse male attention. Maybe it’s their boss touching them in an exceedingly slightly inappropriate way in the office, or possibly it’s some tequila-filled asshole thrusting his face at them in a hallway at a residence party. Accordingly, anything you do, you need to leave the girl you’re approaching a straightforward out. Don’t send a lot of text messages unless you get yourself a response. Don’t try to chat someone up in the elevator unless they’re staring directly at you and wearing a T-shirt that says I want your full name inside me.” You get the idea.
By the way, in that spirit, I’ll share with you among my secrets, that is the ironclad, all-purpose, best pickup type of all right time. You simply walk around someone you’re drawn to, extend your hand, and say, Hi, I’m Matt.” Should they say, Hi, I’m Elaine,and shake your hand ”, elaine wants to speak to you then. If they say other things – should they say hi in a few type of dispirited way just, day or respond with strangled cries – just leave and say have an excellent. It doesn’t seem to be much, nonetheless it tells you whether you will find a shot in hell immediately, that is all you need to really.
But if you’re at a stage where you’re absolutely too terrified to approach women in a non-Internet-facilitated fashion, then I’d say, yeah, Tinder is an excellent choice. But you have to concentrate on that profile Write something short and cute. If there’s any woman in your own life who’s not your mom who’s in a position to evaluate your profile, reap the benefits of that immediately. Get some good good good pictures of you. You realize, soft lighting, smiling, not crying, wearing clothing – a graphic it generally does not completely reflect what’s apparently the state of your respective self-esteem. Discussing which: For anyone who is nervous about messaging someone, you’ll be able to totally say, I’m nervous about messaging you, nevertheless, you seem awesome, so, fck it, what’s going on?” That’s a lot more compelling compared to the average boilerplate hit a button for maybe future sex” type Tinder message that women get 90% of the time.
As for your second question: You won’t have to convince” your date that you have anxiety. She’ll know. Maybe she’ll find it charming, maybe she won’t. You should probably say you’re a virgin before the clothes come off, so she doesn’t have to wonder why you’re a little shaky about the whole sex thing. Maybe she’ll freak out when she learns this information, but maybe she won’t. Again: You can’t control this. It’s going to be scary. You need to embrace that. This isn’t simply a dating question; it’s an everything question. Your life will be profoundly empty if you never do anything that makes you feel nervous.
As regards everything away from fear of being regarded as a pervert, nothing I must say about getting women to day you is specially innovative. Dress nice. Unless you know how, purchase a nice white or blue button-up shirt – Brooks Brothers is definitely an acceptable choice – decently-fitting jeans, and black shoes that are not embarrassing. Hook them up to the appropriate portions of one’s body Then. Have a thing that is recognizably a haircut. Shower. Wear a little bit of cologne: I recommend Comme des Garcons Standard. Don’t worry about being afraid. Just be afraid. You’ll be OK.

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