Friend Zone Hacks

Has a woman ever put her hand on your shoulder and said, totally adorably, You’re like, the brother I never had”? Red alert, bro: You’ve reached the Friend Zone You look around, try to run, but her hand is still on your shoulder, and – oh God. She just called you buddy.”
Where did things go wrong? How can you defeat these friend vibes? As you’ve probably heard by now, avoiding the Friend Zone is about confidence and setting the right tone up front. You want her to see you as dating material, much less a pal, a gossip partner, or an adorable pet hamster she wants to play with but could not let near her vagina. You understand all of the typical tactics : Be direct, tell her what you would like, don’t be an excessive amount of a wimp about asking her out. Good sense, right?
Sometimes, though, you’ve tried to create your intentions clear nevertheless, you haven’t been clear enough. Or, for reasons uknown, she still doesn’t appreciate your worth as a potential partner. So if you are buried deep in the friend zone, listed below are seven lesser-known methods to put yourself far outside the Friend Zone. Follow them and she’ll know exactly how you are feeling.
Listen and learn, gents!
This one’s pretty straightforward. Dudes often end up stuck in the Friend Zone if they maintain a relationship with a female out of courtesy. Though it’s obvious the partnership won’t progress past boring guy and charitable girl act excruciatingly nice to each other for years,” these dudes hold onto the hope of a one-time-only VIP pass to her pants.
Instead, be honest with yourself (and with her): If you don’t care about her as a friend, walk away. End the relationship. Show her how much you want to be more than friends rather than attempting to clarify your intentions through vague, unreliable words. If she texts you, reply with an eggplant emoji and don’t engage further.
2. Put Your Intentions In Writing
The next time you meet, hand her a card with your cell phone number, your work number, your office receptionist’s number, your penis size, exactly what you want to do to her in bed, and all the ways you’ll kill yourself if she doesn’t accept your romantic advances.
That’s just one side of the card. Another side can be an annotated set of every award you won once you were in school, including tiny photos of one’s Little League trophies and the ones little Bravo!” stickers your third-grade teacher placed on your multiplication drills once you finished them promptly. In fine print, be sure you include a summary of each nice thing your mom/aunt/grandmother/godmother/piano teacher/math tutor/high-school soccer coach/band director/camp counselor ever said about you.
3. Smell Like Her Dad
Every guy knows he should smell fresh , but do you realize women are subconsciously attracted to the scent of these fathers? When you can replicate that scent, it is possible to utilize her deepest & most basic attractions. A dude who has the aroma of her old man is never only a friend. Now, that one is a bit complicated, obviously. First, you’ll need to find her father. Then, you’ll need to smell him. How? One option is to trip yourself and fall into his arms when she’s introducing you. Let him break your fall and – without being too obvious – sniff his armpit. Inhale deeply. Savor the aroma. Is it bright, woodsy, or floral? All the above? Take detailed notes before attempting to replicate the scent in a fragrance laboratory. Don’t have access to a fragrance laboratory? You are able to do this in your basement, with a gourmet spice set and 10 or 12 years to attempt every combination until the concoction smells exactly like her old man.
And voila: Dad Cologne. Funnel into a tiny spray bottle and squirt onto your wrists. She’ll fall all over you.
Hot Tip: If you need to take extra precautions against getting Friendzoned, figure out what her brother smells like and design a fragrance that is its chemical opposite.
4. Speak In Pickup Haiku
Perhaps you have found yourself dominating a date with your dumb, boring voice? Do you talk like you’re actually there to talk? Does she stare blankly at your nose, counting its pores and wondering if mind-numbing pickups count as a hate crime?
If the answer is yes, try Pickup Haiku, the universal language of A-list players. Here’s how it works: you approach her and she turns around, expecting some standard-ass prose pickup. Instead, drop your syllables. Speak softly, in a 5-7-5 pattern:
Rain on my window
Sleep with me soonish
Blink gently after each haiku. This will give her plenty of talking time, and will make her think you’re some kind of sexy, mysterious wizard. Best of all, you won’t have enough syllables to engage in hour-long friendship-y conversations about, like, life and stuff.
5. Shoot Her With Your Testosterone Dart
No, not that dart. I’m talking about the testosterone secretion that flicks out of your mouth when you focus on your masculinity – like llama spit, but human and male. Close your eyes and think very deeply about your manhood. Conjure images of dirty footballs, red meat, and swampy mud pits. Focus on the pool of testosterone that is beginning to swirl beneath your ribcage. Think of your favorite war hero, or a wall of leather-bound books, and the testosterone will grow thicker. Imagine driving stick shift or calculating the distance between two points based on miles per hour, and you will feel the testosterone inch its way up your esophagus. Open your mouth as well as your tonsils will involuntarily clench, shooting your testosterone dart outward at paintball velocity. There is nothing friendly relating to this move, pal. Nothing friendly at all.
6. PERFORM Prehistoric Mating Dance
The trick to the one will undoubtedly be finding enough room in the bar to dance without knocking over any drinks. The very best prehistoric mating dance on the market started in Neolithic Mesopotamia and involves many high kicks. It’s among those dances which will immediately trigger a reaction in her lizard brain. The primitive section of you’ll bow to the primitive section of her, once you learn what I’m saying. Try out this at a club with a dance floor if you want a bit more space. You’ll have to time the movements of a 12,000-year-old mating ritual to an EDM remix of a Demi Lovato song. In any event, she’ll know you intend to be more than simply friends.
7. Bring Her A Dead Pheasant
Show her how manly and heroic you’re by giving her a bit of dead game. This can utilize her primal attraction to men who is able to protect and provide on her behalf. Women love a dude who is able to buying the bacon/poultry, & most friends” won’t go this far. Just make certain it’s clean. The pheasant shouldn’t be rotting or bleeding. And perhaps take it to her within an icebox? Also, do not do that if she’s vegan. Dear god. You’ll receive enemyzoned.

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