First Messages On OkCupid (a05426d)

First Messages On OkCupid
I Asked Women To Critique My INTERNET DATING Messages – THESE WERE Brutal
This short article was published by AskMen UK.
Sending the initial message on an online dating site or app is something of an art. Not like a proper art where people will pay you money to be near it but one that if approached correctly can result in a member of the opposite sex genuinely wanting to see you naked. So, actually it’s better than proper art.
Despite my brain knowing this though, my first-message game needs a lot of work. So I asked some of my female human expert friends to critique a bunch of actual first messages I’d sent some ladies on the online dating app, OKCupid
Why? Because this ever burning tyre-fire of a life of mine could always use more fuel, and I’m all about sharing the wisdom.
So, who did I manage to wrangle up?
Alex Sim-Wise is a journalist and presenter and has covered just about everything there is to cover on relationships and sex and can currently be found on Patreon where she does stuff for money.
Stephanie Soh is AskMen’s very own Staff Writer and has to put up with me moping around the work kitchen when a girl hasn’t messaged me back.
Natalie Spear is probably my oldest mate and has witnessed every one of my ultimately failed relationships.
Sarah Morgan can be an extremely funny comedy writer who sometimes pretends to laugh within my jokes in the pub because she’s nice like this.
Maria Grace is really a young adult fiction writer who also is actually my sister. What may fail with that?
So are there the ladies who’ll now judge the deeply embarrassing and genuine first messages I delivered to lots of unsuspecting females on OKCupid, attempting to convince them to acknowledge my existence.
THE GIRL Who Liked Her Mam And Gravy
This is essentially the most cringey one. Dunno what I was thinking but trained with was sent at 11:46pm, I was probably drunk.
Sarah: I Honestly I do not get why that is bad, unless it’s code. Or she didn’t actually put anything about gravy and her Mam. Then you’d appear to be a negging murderer You’ve demonstrated you’ve read her profile and you’re paying a compliment that’s not about her face or tits, which are good things.
Steph: This is good. You’ve said that she’s made you laugh, instead of centered on her appearance as plenty of men have a tendency to do and the truth that you’ve already shown that you may have a laff before you’ve met is promising.
Nat: ‘Well done’! I properly laughed aloud when I saw that. Oh wait you’re being serious… ahem, shifting..as I’m sure she did.
Maria: It’s sort of sweet. Because I love gravy Mainly. As well as the thumbs up emoji is nice and PC.
Alex: You have to have just sent her a graphic of yourself counting money covered in gravy, saying, What can you consider of the shit, Sheila?” I’d have replied.
The Nerdy Girl
This girl is waaaaay above my fighting weight, BUT she’s a massively nerdy profile and wrote about Harley Quinn/Suicide Squad therefore i decided to chance my arm.
Alex: Dude, she happens to be a 27% match, that’s like watching a two star film on Netflix! This sort of gamble. All birds think they’re Harley Quinn, I’d are more impressed if she wrote about being thinking about I dunno, other activities. Beans. Nightmares. Kinder eggs. Nah. Pass.
Steph: I’d start questioning your sense of humour: Does he love Adam Sandler? Does he think that Little Britain could be the pinnacle of comedy?”
Sarah: What did she say about Suicide Squad? I really believe it’s risky to steam in with an unhealthy opinion with regards to a film because positivity is certainly nice but if this girl had been negative about Suicide Squad first you then were right to trust whatever she said. Also important, what you reckon actually, or getting the beard wet?
The Shark Hat Lady
This lady includes a shark hat on and wrote lots about sharks on her behalf profile therefore i liked her right away. It’s important because of this one to remember that I’ve some stuff about Bill Murray written on my profile
Nat: Weak!! I’m doubting your commitment to the one, much more likely you found her several beers in and thought, “Funny hat..yeah ,you will want to”
Steph: You’re commenting on something quirky and character-related such as a shark hat instead of saying nice tits” so that is clearly a positive.
Alex: Hating Bill Murray films is really a deal breaker and a lot more cringe. I believe you dodged a bullet with this one.
Sarah: She hates Bill Murray films. Fuck her in the blowhole. (I know sharks don’t have…) Gav, we’ve found the one woman on the planet that you’re too good for. Run.
The Hannibal Fan
Again, I had no business messaging this girl due to her being better looking than a million of me BUT she mentioned Hannibal in her profile and I was literally watching Hannibal at the time. It was obviously designed to be…
Maria: Cringe as fk. You sound kinda stalkery. Or you are lying just to take up a chat. I love that you used the term ‘penultimate’ though. It implies that you will possibly not be thick.
Sarah: EASILY said I liked Hannibal and someone sent me a cheery message about liking Hannibal I’d answer it: probably something about how exactly great Hannibal is, or perhaps a fun quote from the show like I could smell your cnt! LOL!” (I haven’t seen Hannibal but I’m imagining he says that enough time, it’s like his catchphrase, right?)
Alex: I’d not message back again to this, not because it is a bad message but because it is a bit forgettable/not urgent enough to distract me from wanking to Mollie Makes magazine.
Nat: Haha! Love your enthusiasm, does reek a little as an overexcited child though! Calm down love!
The Tea Drinker
This lady had loads of stuff about tea and tea drinking on her profile which often means I would’ve binned her quickly BUT I must say i liked her hair, so…
Nat: Sweet little bit of flirting over your shared love of tea! Worth a reply Definitely, if only to determine your unconventional methods.
Sarah: You’re demonstrating that you read her profile and absorbed the info. You’ve not only smeared your penis over the screen on her behalf photos. You’re being truly a bit boasty, but boasty about tea. It’s hard to appear to be a prick if you are boasting about tea.
Maria: The message to her is sort of cringey, however, not creepy, so that’s alright.
Alex: This message appears like you want to teabag her.
THE NICE Life Lady
Our final girl mentioned THE NICE Life THREE TIMES on her behalf profile. As though I wasn’t messaging/marrying her…
Steph: Yeah this is good. EASILY had mentioned something obscure on my someone and profile got enthused about any of it too, I’d be like HE COULD BE THE MAIN ONE. Tell me your address therefore i can send the ring.”
Alex: These websites are so difficult, everyone just sounds like psychos. Modern life is rubbish.
Nat: Nailed it! That is cute and cool as well all. I am hoping you do marry her kinda.

So, conclusions. To be fair, I’m pretty pleased with those critiques. I was preparing myself for a lot more brutal appraisal but I’m still single so that’s essentially the most savage assessment of most.
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