Dos And Donts Of Dating A Married Poly Woman

The Dating Nerd is really a shadowy figure whose identifying and whereabouts details remain unknown. What we can say for certain really is he is, good at dating really. He’s been on more dates than it is possible to shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I’ve been on two dates with a cool girl that I met on an online dating site Following a second date, she i wish to in on a secret: She’s not actually single, but married and “poly,” a term I had never heard before. Apparently, she and her husband have a rule where they are able to each attach with whoever they need (well, you will find more rules, but that’s not the principal point here.) Basically, she’d be absolve to see me, continue dates, get drinks, learn, have sexual intercourse etc, but she wouldn’t sleep within my place, I couldn’t sleep at her place, etc. As she described it easily am asked by you, I was like, “Maybe there is a catch? That sounds type of awesome.” But maybe I’m jumping into this too fast. Dating a poly woman is something I’ve never done before, and for many I know that it’s hell or at the minimum more challenging than dating monogamously. Are you currently here experiencing any experience? What makes one “play” this type of situation?
– Poly Confusion
The Answer
Hi Poly Confusion,
For some straight guys, dating a polyamorous person appears to be a miracle, and for several reason once. Most of the sources of typical dude relationship trouble just don’t exist in polyamory. For example. You’re never more likely to enter trouble for considering eye-catching cleavage. Actually, it’s encouraged. Your insufficient commitment may very well be questioned never, ever. It seems pretty sweet, right? It appears like a standard relationship, without all the irritating trappings that produce you are feeling unwelcome and caged.
But that isn’t entirely true. Because it isn’t a normal relationship. And you also want to do the mental adjustments that entails.
Primary included in this: you need to understand that this woman isn’t your lady. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s most likely not going to suddenly decide that monogamy is, like, way better, and that you own the only dick she’s ever going to want to see again. This sounds so simple, I know. But it’s actually really difficult to wrap your head around polyamory if you haven’t done it yourself. We generally all assume – because the human brain is lazy – that relationships form the trajectories we’re used to. That people behave, in romantic situations, as we would. You have to ignore that tendency.
So try not to fall in love. But should you choose fall in love, recognize that the throbbing of one’s heart doesn’t actually mean much in this context. Your puny feelings don’t change something. To polyamorous people, falling in love doesn’t entail exclusivity. It’s yet another fun feeling going swimming in the collage of feelings. You do not reach have this girl. You are not in it so that eventually the two of you can buy a cute little house somewhere and go the nuclear family route. Or don’t be. While I’m sure you’d make a fantastic main squeeze type boyfriend, she probably doesn’t care.
I can’t stress this enough. Don’t imagine that this polyamorous thing is a weird temporary phenomenon that’s going to evaporate. The biggest misconception people have about polyamorous relationships is that they’re sort of a larval state for monogamy. Sometimes primary partners break off and pursue exclusivity. But this isn’t typical, and there is no guarantee that it’s likely to happen.
This is often a manifestation of some sort of psychology that plagues plenty of relationships: the tendency to regard other’s behavior as abnormal. This is often a understandable mode of thinking totally, also it causes an endless degree of human misery. If you prefer a functioning relationship, you should recognize that, by anyone else’s standards, you’re the strange one. Your behavior is unusual. That you don’t understand in day-to-day life, as you go around obeying your personal desires and preferences. You do not even necessarily realize what your expectations are, as you always surpass them. But when you’re in a new relationship – especially if it’s a kind of relationship you’re not used to, just like a polyamorous one – you can’t take for granted that your partner will obey your unexpressed desires, and behave in a relationship like you expect they would.
Next thing: remember that polyamory isn’t anarchy. Just because the usual romantic rules don’t apply, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any rules. In fact, a good polyamorous relationship is more complicated usually. It’s simple math. The more folks are participating – the more sets of genitalia you are going to be indirectly or directly touching – the more variables you will discover. So, shortly, this woman is most probably going to inform you lots of fun information regarding just what you’ll be able to and can’t do sexually, and, moreover, in what your role in the partnership will undoubtedly be undoubtedly. Listen. And follow these rules religiously. You will end up kicked out of Beautiful Free Love Land Otherwise, and rightfully so.
The last thing I have to point out is that you have to be OK with being unimportant. In a polyamorous relationship where you are not the principal partner, you’re a diversion. You’re a great little outlet for excess affection and libido. In the vernacular of our times, you’re the medial side piece.
However, you might say, Sure, yeah, no problem,” you may be less cool with this than you’d imagine at first. You might miss the standard emotional ties. Because being important is the most fun thing about a new exclusive relationship – and it’s what you’re used to, as a monogamist. Suddenly, there’s a person in your life who’s just fascinated by you. By the muscles in your torso, by your weird little figures of speech, by your past, by your sexual fantasies You become a main character in someone else’s life, who actually regards you as a complex person, unlike your idiot co-workers and your casual acquaintances. And they get really, really unhappy when they think about the prospect of your disappearance. This is way better than getting laid, I think. It’s affirming, it’s enriching, it makes you realize that you’re a real person.
This is why I can’t handle polyamory. Ava was basically a cartoon of the ideal polyamorous girl. A wildly hot hippie girl from California whose sheer quantity of love (and friskiness) was too much to be absorbed by any one man. So I got a few of the overflow. It had been great. No commitment, no being tied down, no nothing: just fun dates accompanied by raucous, no-strings sex so loud that my neighbors called the cops.
But something happened that I must say i wasn’t expecting: At some time, I realized that of this wonderful casual warmth wasn’t enough for me personally. Ava could have been fine without me perfectly, and I didn’t enjoy that. She was needed by me to need me, at the very least a little bit. Do not get me wrong – she liked me fine. She enjoyed it when I was around, and she was thinking about me. But easily wasn’t around? Whatever, that’s cool, I wasn’t her primary partner, and there have been lots of other men.
This promptly made me right into a whiny little jerk. Without even realizing what I was doing, I’d start making snide little jokes about her husband, or I’d launch into weird little speeches concerning the sort of relationship I ultimately wanted. Unintentionally, I became messy and needy – the sort of one who must not be in a polyamorous relationship. Ultimately, it’s hard to state whether I quit or I was fired. But suffice it to state, I’m not starting up with Ava anymore.
Good luck.

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