Decreased Sex Drive In A Relationship

Inside our series, Relationship Firsts, we ask experts various questions that inevitably appear at some time in relationships. From how exactly to deal once the romance fades to how exactly to introduce a masturbator in the bed room, we’re within the gamut of whatever you’re too embarrassed to ask (or admit to) your pals.
It is a rare flower of a relationship where the frequency of sex stays exactly the same throughout its old age. There’s even science behind it: the dopamine spike from sex with exactly the same partner decreases as time passes but spikes with a fresh one. And unless you’re a fan of polyamory or swinging, that’s rarely a choice.
It may be that there surely is no issue – maybe you’re both centered on other activities and the sex has naturally decreased. But if among you wants a lot more than the other, that is where relationships can come across trouble. We asked the professionals what to do if you are in a drought.
Juliet Grayson, relationship counsellor and author
I’d see if one partner is angry. But our sex drives do change. After about 18 months to two years when the honeymoon period is over, we settle down into our normal level of sexual drive which will be different from how much there was in the honeymoon phase. So it’s normal that one person’s will diminish and that’s often a struggle for couples that you have to deal with.
With one couple I worked with they decided to then have an open marriage so she could have the sex that she was wanting and he didn’t have to deliver it. But for many couples that’s not an option. It’s about negotiation. Can they compromise and move together a bit? Let’s say one of them wants an S&M relationship and the other doesn’t; is there some way they can move towards that so she’s not actually tied up but she has a scarf around her wrists that makes it seem she’s tied up? Are there ways you can play act it in a way or compromise?
Jo Usmar, wellbeing writer
It’s totally normal for the amount of sex you have with a partner to decline the longer you’re together. When you first meet someone it’s sex central. You look at each other salivating. However, slowing down doesn’t mean you fancy each other less, you’ve just lost that animal-instinct rabid lust that comes with the immediacy and excitement of meeting someone new. Your feelings for each other have stabilised and deepened. And life changes, dude. Stuff happens. Boring things like mortgages, redundancies and compulsory curry nights with the in-laws. Who wants to get naked after dealing with all that?
Yet having no sex at all is definitely problematic. Sexual intimacy is one of the most important things in a relationship. It makes us feel loved, attractive, connected and confident. If one partner is constantly rebuffed, they’ll stop initiating sex through a fear of rejection, possibly shy away from all displays of affection or look for sex elsewhere. It’s a delicate issue though. Here are a few dos and don’ts for how to broach the topic:
– Don’t ignore it. This can foster resentment, anger and insecurity.
– Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s most likely not since they suddenly don’t fancy you or were only faking a higher libido to lure you into commitment. A lack of libido can be due to a lot of things: stress, depression, low self-esteem, feeling overworked or medical issues. Always investigate these possibilities before assuming it’s solely related to sex.
– Do become more tactile in day-to-day life. Touching must not be just confined to sex. Holding hands, rubbing shoulders, an arm-around-the-shoulder or cuddling on the sofa gives us a sense of intimacy and makes people feel better.
– Don’t approach the topic aggressively or defensively. Saying, The trend is to ever want sex?” isn’t likely to allow you to get more sex. It appears like an attack so when folks are attacked they attack back. Instead say something similar to, I don’t desire to make one feel worried or anything, but I’ve noticed you are not really up for sex right now. Is something amiss?” Make sure they are feel safe in the conversation, not defensive.
– Don’t approach the topic in bed. If you bring it up while lying next to each other you’ll both feel trapped and anxious. Or worse, your partner may feel obliged to have sex and no one should ever feel that.
– Organise a proper date night (as clichГ©d as that sounds). Life can often be so full on that your relationship gets pushed aside. Organising an evening a week for just the two of you will show you don’t just want sex, that may reignite the romance… that may hopefully lead to sex. If it doesn’t, it’ll provide you with a chance to work out what other issues may be contributing to the sex drought.
Some people’s libidos do change. If your partner simply wants less sex, but your libido is still the same, you have to discuss how this will affect you both. It’s not fair on either of you to push your desires on the other. If you find it hard to talk, broach the idea of therapy. Problems with sexual desire is the number one of the main reasons couples seek counselling so you’re not alone in this by any stretch.
Plan It In
Desiree Spierings, sex therapist
Try to change things up. Amazing sex starts long before you enter the bedroom. To arouse your partner, start as soon as you both wake up. It might be as simple as a kiss and telling them how beautiful they are, or it might be some physical foreplay before getting out of bed in the morning, as well as literally scheduling sex into your calendars. While that sounds like the opposite of ‘new and fun’ there is nothing wrong with this approach – in fact, when people expect sex to happen spontaneously, it rarely does. If you both know what’s coming, you’re more likely to get excited looking towards it throughout the day.
Practice Gratitude
Dr. Dain Heer, relationship consultant and international speaker
Decide if you still wish to be in the relationship and with her and if you do start telling her how grateful you are for her research demonstrates having gratitude for the ”little things” in relationships can boost feelings of happiness and romance. This will enable you to give her everything she needs so she will be able to open up to you sexually again.
Heer is the co-creator of Access Consciousness

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