Have I ever been in this situation? Sure I have. In fact, my good friend Charlie is married to a woman I used to date. They started dating three years after she broke up with me. I was perfectly fine with it because I never saw my ex as a possession. When I reflected on the whole situation, what I really wanted for both of them was to be happy, however that would come about.
What To Do
So, if you have feelings for your best friend’s ex, here is what you need to do. First you need to confirm your feelings with her. Sit down with her, clear the air and tell her exactly how you feel. You know she feels the same way about you as you do about her. Make sure you are both on the same page with each other. Then you need to make sure you are both on the same page about your friend. Tell her, “We need to talk about how to approach this situation with my friend. I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I certainly don’t want it to stop me from acting on my feelings for you.”
You need to talk this out with her. Both of you know your friend well, from different points of view, and together you will be able to come up with an honest way of telling him so that he will not be angry or hurt. Once you’ve had that conversation with your friend’s ex, you’ll need to sit down with him. Depending on how close you are, this can be one of the toughest things in the world — you need to have “the talk.”
Breaking The News To Your Friend
When you sit down with him, be truthful and tell him what your friendship with him means to you. For most men, really communicating that to another guy is the hardest part, but you need to get that out there and let him know that you respect him. Then you’ll need to ask him how he would feel if you started dating his ex. You really need to be honest and tell him everything. You need to tell him how you feel and whether you’re serious about her. He may be fine with it. He may have to sit and think about it. He may be upset and say, “F*ck you. Absolutely not.” He may not want to see you for a while. In time, though, he is going to understand.
He’s not with her anymore, so give him his space if he needs it. He is out there dating, having fun and sleeping with other women. Eventually, he is going to get over it. Amazing women with whom you have incredible chemistry don’t come around that often. You have every right and you owe it to yourself to pursue a relationship with her.
Depending on how close your friendship is, this may be one of the toughest situations of your life. You’ll need to display complete and total honesty with yourself and ask yourself how serious you are about it (it’s OK if you don’t know yet, but you need to be honest). You need to be honest with this new woman in your life and with your friend. This is going to be a tough lesson, but a valuable one. Your ability to have difficult conversations with two people you care about, knowing that those conversations won’t be safe or easy, will demonstrate what sort of a man you are.
More From David Wygant on AskMen:
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