Crushing On A Close Female Friend

Lonely and sick of it? Feeling like you’re going to get dumped? Not sure how that first date went? Wondering what that rash is? These and many other confusing dating issues can be solved for you by the inimitable Bryce Warnes. Put your happiness in his capable hands (Note: Bryce Warnes is not a medical doctor) and email him your dating/love/sex/Tinder questions (400 words, max) at [email protected]
The Question
Hey Bryce,
Firstly I would like to say I have a very bad record with girls. In 3 years of college I have not made a single girlfriend. I have tried on a number of girls but either I am rejected or friend zoned.
In March I met a woman throughout a college event Now. We started talking and she was helped by me with her work and today we are excellent friends. We go out together a whole lot even. Everyone from her friends to mine think we have been in a relationship. But she says that I’m considered by her as an extremely close friend. She’s even said I’d have accepted you as my boyfriend easily didn’t have this thing of not being in a relationship.
Please help me out. What must i do as I like her a whole lot and don’t desire to lose her.
The Answer
Hey Salvatore,
When someone lets you know she thinks you’re boyfriend material but that she doesn’t want a boyfriend at this time, she means 1 of 2 things. One: You’ll create a good partner, but she really, seriously doesn’t wish to be in a relationship; or two: All of the essentials is there – you’re caring, attentive, and fun to hold out with – but she isn’t drawn to you.
Remember that attraction” partly originates from looks – in large part or small, based on your degree of cynicism – and partly through behavior and personality. Attraction may be the adrenaline rush leading to things getting hot and heavy. It’s quite common, and valid, for folks to feel a solid connection with an associate of the contrary sex without getting romantic because, regardless of the other person’s stellar qualities, that rush seriously isn’t there.
I wouldn’t push it, Salvatore. If she doesn’t want a relationship, you are not likely to change her mind. And when she’s not drawn to you, there’s very little that you can do, save some glorious act of blockbuster heroism, that may make her your girlfriend.
Now it’s your decision to choose whether you’re happy being just friends. A detailed female friend could be a great confidante and also matchmaker (does she have any single pals?). But if you are torn up about being in the zone, ” and spending more emotional energy than any platonic friendship will probably be worth, then it is time to consider cooling things off and shifting. A platonic hetero couple fails if half of it really is running on unrequited attraction; your feelings could find yourself toxifying the complete arrangement.
So give it some thought, Salvatore. And remember: There is life after college.
The Question
Hey Bryce,
Been searching for some answers to a difficult question and I’m really not sure what to do.
To begin with I’m 37, seperated for 2 2 2 years (getting divorced) and this is the first girl that I have genuine feelings for. I had a couple of girlfriends since my separation but they didn’t work out. This girl is 10 years younger than me.
This girl is amazing and we have been dating for just two 2 2 months now, however I then found out directly after we started seeing eachother that she’s only recently split having an ex who cheated on her behalf because of her weight (that has been the reason why he gave, what an arse-hat). An ex before which used exactly the same reason and excuse as to the reasons he cheated on her behalf. She actually is not fat. She actually is curvy but beautiful and sexy absolutely. I’ve totally fallen on her behalf but she was very apprehensive about physical stuff therefore i just said I was ready to wait provided that it requires and I didn’t put any pressure on her behalf for sex.
The problem is that everytime we walk out have an extremely nice time and obtain a little closer, the very next day or so she’s a ‘freak out’ and goes quiet and distant for a couple days. Last weekend she booked a accommodation as a complete surprise and we’d the most beautiful sex which I had not been expecting at all. She visited a great deal of effort really. However, another morning she wished to get of the hotel as early as possible so I could sense her freakout.
Since then she’s not really texting me all that much unless I initiate it. Problem is I think to myself that I’ll give her some space and leave her to come to me but I always cave in and just ask her how she’s doing.
She says she feels empty but really wants to be with me but just needs some time to get herself into a better position, she hasn’t said that she doesn’t want to see me but as I said, since the weekend she’s really backed off on the contact and I am being probably a bit needy (I know I know).
Do I give her space, as in totally no contact or just occasionally check in? I want her to too want me!
Any advice will be really welcome really, it’s all I could think about.
Thank you!!
The Answer
Hey Dan,
What’s sabotaging your (relatively new) relationship can be your partner’s exes She was dumped twice by guys who basically claimed she was too fat up to now. Imagine someone giving every indication that they are attracted to you and they value you as an individual, forming a detailed emotional bond, and abandoning you then. If it didn’t offer you serious doubts about your appearance, it could at least compromise your ability to take someone seriously when they say they as if you.
You say she actually is absolutely beautiful and sexy; it is necessary you let her know, without belaboring the idea. If she’s issues about her appearance, no quantity of compliments can better make her.” Actually, such compliments could possibly be more of a trigger than other activities. Make sure that you let her know you admire how she looks, but within the bounds of what’s comfortable on her behalf.
Moreover, though, is building trust. What makes you be known by her will not change and treat her like sht, like the other guys? After 2 months of dating just, there can be no guarantee. Act detached too, and perhaps she’s just as unlovable as her exes made her feel. Cling a lot of, and maybe you’re immediately after sex, or accumulating an emotional connection you can cut short whenever it becomes inconvenient.
Added to this is really the point that you’re ten years older. I am aware: Age doesn’t matter, real love is eternal, blah blah. Nevertheless it affects the dynamics of a relationship definitely. The point you are older and you’ve been married means you have more experience. In her eyes, your behavior is more opaque than someone her individual age. If she’s trust issues, if so your extra ten years of life may potentially mean a supplementary ten years of learning how to manipulate and hurt others.
If she shuts down as soon as you guys go out together or attach emotionally, for the reason that she’s pushed herself to trust you, and could actually do so for a few right time. Afterwards, those doubts about your motivations and her individual desirability come rushing back, and yes it takes time to extract. If you both plan to keep dating, you shall need to adjust your expectations; it might take quite a while before these recovery periods start shortening, or become unnecessary on her behalf. Alternatively, the point that she’s pushing herself to trust you at all is really a sign that she’s ready to go the length, and is committed to the relationship.
Your instincts are good. Keep distance, avoid being too clingy – but avoid being afraid to check on in. Show that you value her without forcing her to invest in emotional vulnerability. Perhaps a text about something that reminded you of her, or a memory of a good time you shared. Don’t push to make plans or pry into her feelings. Give her enough time she must recover in order that the couple can get back to practicing trust together.
This can be a bumpy road, Dan. Do not get discouraged, but don’t ignore your personal needs, either. If her issues are causing you to miserable, too, then it is time to talk to her about any of it, and consider going separate ways. But when you have the patience, and you’re ready to pick the right path through the thorny stuff, the two of you could end up building something great.

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