Choosing Between Two Women

The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He’s been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he’s here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch – or several.
The Question
Hi Dating Nerd,
I’m the luckiest guy in the world. For a little while now, I’ve been going on casual dates with two really interesting women. They’re both cool in different ways, and I feel like I could have a great relationship with either of them. The only real problem is that I don’t desire to let either of these go. So I’ve raised the thought of continuing up to now both of these, in a less casual way. They’re both ready to try it. MUST I do this? MAY I date two people?
– Double-Dating Danny
The Answer
Hi Double-Dating Danny,
Of course it is possible to date two people. It is just a free country. You could be polyamorous and date fourteen people as a way to. You’ll be able to stand on a rock in a desert, declare yourself the Queen of Kentucky, and wave a flaming diaper around your brain as being a ceremonial torch. Benefit from the quest for your happiness.
All kidding aside: I’d encourage one to date two people in case you are sure it is possible to handle it. And that is an extremely big if. For some men, I genuinely don’t believe dating several person may be beneficial.
Why would I say any such thing? Dating two people is actually better, right? In the end, what woman could satisfy all your crazy desires? None, it’s true. There’s nobody alive who’ll enjoy every last little bit of the weird sex stuff you need to do. Or entertain all of your dumb jokes. And every woman you date brings a great universe of her very own into your daily life. (Or an un-fun universe.) Obviously, the more women you may spend time with, the bigger. Right?
Yes, if you overlook something very obvious, that’s that dating one person is really even, very hard. Check around you. For a lot of years, folks have attempted monogamous relationships. As a species, we’ve accumulated plenty of wisdom about how precisely they work. We’ve online dating sites to generate obtaining a relationship easy. We’ve authored huge manuals about romance, we’ve relationship therapists who concentrate on repairing damaged marriages, and every one of the rest. And yet, the vast majority of the romantic relationships that men and women be a part of are painful, dysfunctional, and either brief or not brief enough. It is just a hard thing to do.
Let’s consider the fundamentals of being a fantastic partner. Good boyfriends should focus on their girlfriends, right? Well, listening is really challenging-it’s difficult to never simply inhabit your half of a serious conversation, waiting to state whatever you would like to. Also, being truly a good boyfriend requires honesty, doesn’t it? Yes, and true honesty is difficult to maintain. It’s really hard not to conceal your less convenient emotions until you’re not sure who you are anymore. Honestly, even having a great sex life takes work. It requires a commitment to variety, exploration, and vulnerability.
Also, look at your last serious relationship. How did it go? Was it exactly as you expected? No, right? There were unforeseen troubles and inconveniences everywhere along the way. Every few days, there was some new source of insecurity, or some potential fight to be avoided, or an important issue to be discussed. Even the very happiest of relationships are about 90% happiness and 10% stress. That’s just the reality.
And why should that be? Well, it’s just that human beings are complicated and vulnerable. Basically, we’re all just a little too stupid to understand each other completely, and a little too selfish to be good to each other at all times. At best, you fake it, try hard to love somebody as best it is possible to really, maybe get married , and die then.
Several inherent difficulties increase as soon as you introduce another person into the equation dramatically. It’s just math. Once you have two romantic partners, you won’t have two different sex lives just, and two types of chemistry. Also you can have two sets of emotional problems. Sleeping with two differing people casually is a very important factor. But actually having two girlfriends is dating on Hard Mode. Are you currently capable of coping with that? Are you experiencing the energy?
If the perfect solution is is yes, congratulations! Welcome to your insane new romantic life. I’ll offer you some advice about how exactly to create it as reasonable as you possibly can.
First: in case you are dating several person, you’ve got to be absolutely open about what both of your partners can expect from you. Like, how much are you going to hang out? Is it three times a week, or a month? Are both of them going to get the same number of fancy dinners out of you? You’ve got to establish this. And you’ve got to ensure that both partners are getting roughly the amount of attention they need. You don’t want either of them to feel like a diversion, or an accessory to the other partner.
And, if your relationships proceed before true point where they seem serious, you’ll have to find out various other tricky stuff. Like: do both of these call you boyfriend?” Are they both likely to appear on your own Instagram? Are you currently meeting both sets of parents, eventually? If you are around in December, whose Christmas will you? If you don’t cope with these matters, somebody’s likely to get hurt.
These relevant questions aren’t insurmountable. Many of them are easy pretty. But they’ll all ought to be answered, eventually. This is actually the tricky thing about non-monogamy – it generally does not have strong cultural norms generally. Basically, monogamous relationships have presets and cultural expectations which are obvious reasonably. You realize what the narrative arc of a monogamous relationship is vaguely. But when you’re in a weird, two-way triad relationship similar to the one you’re proposing, that’s not true. You have less received wisdom to be determined by. You’ll basically need to write the rulebook using your partners. Which might be fun, but taxing also.
Finally, Personally i think like I will address your motives. So, it looks like you intend to be with both these girls as you don’t desire to choose. Both of these seem amazing in separate ways. That sounds great, and I’m glad you are getting the opportunity to have all you want. However, you should keep in mind that most non-monogamous relationships devolve into monogamous relationships eventually. The complexity of human needs, combined with the fact that folks are busy, tends to imply that pair bonding wins over three-way bonding, or twelve-way bonding, ultimately. So, eventually, you’re likely to have to select one or another of the women. (Or, equally likely, one of these will demand that you make that choice.)
Be equipped for this. Don’t think of one’s new relationship as a never-ending fantasyland. Think about it being an adventure, with plenty of potential rewards, and a not insignificant level of potential downsides.

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