Asking A WOMAN Out

Sick and Lonely of it? Feeling like you’ll get dumped? Uncertain how that first date went? Wondering what that rash is? These and several other confusing dating issues could be solved for you personally by the inimitable Bryce Warnes. Put your happiness in his capable hands (Note: Bryce Warnes is not a medical doctor) and email him your dating/love/sex/Tinder questions at [email protected]
The Question
Hey Bryce,
My problem may be a little common but it’s still been hurting like none other anyway. Lately I feel like I can’t find a way to ask any woman/girl out. As a 19 year-old just moving into a new town for college, I feel like I’m never even going to go on a date. I’ve tried a few dating apps over the past couple years, walked into random coffee shops to see if any girl would notice me (for a confidence booster if nothing else) and it still feels like I’m going nowhere with not even a sideways smile from the opposite gender. I don’t consider myself too bad looking of a guy but my self esteem towards getting women to notice me in the online or real world world combined is starting to hit rock bottom. It’s gotten so bad that if I even see a pretty attractive girl walking by me, I usually just turn around or go another direction so I can’t look at them again….am I trying too hard or something? Doomed to never get laid again? Help me please.
The Answer
Hey Frozen,
You have Approach Anxiety. This problem is approximately as common as air fear or addiction of death. Actually, from the sounds of it, your concern with talking with women is on par with facing a terminal threat about. But don’t worry, Frozen. The perfect solution is is had by me.
If you have Approach Anxiety, the very thought of striking up a conversation having an attractive stranger evokes fear and trembling. Pick-up artists and dating coaches make easy cash attempting to teach guys how to overcome women. They use flashcards, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and over-priced ebooks to break dudes of these chronic nervousness. Right now, there is probably a guy somewhere wearing a flamboyant hat and using magic crystals to cure someone’s approach anxiety. I promise you he charges by the hour.
For some men, these techniques work. But they are all variations on a theme. The theme is conquering fear, and it isn’t complicated.
Here’s the mechanism of Approach Anxiety: Your friends, the media, and everyone else who tells you what it is to Be A Man place huge value on a guy’s available to have sex with attractive women. You internalize this from an early age so that, by the time you’re nineteen, failing to make an attractive woman want you feels tantamount to a fatal error.
This is compounded by the fact that men are encouraged to approach total strangers in an attempt to start a romantic relationship. Chatting about the weather in the grocery line is one thing, but going up to someone in the bulk section in Whole Foods and trying to get their number? The fact that some men think this is normal is totally bizarre.
The only other time it is appropriate to approach a stranger in public and ask for their personal information is when you’re signing up donors for Greenpeace. Your dick is not an environmental organization. You shouldn’t feel the need to tell strangers about all of the good work it can.
Ask a lot of people in healthy adult relationships, and they’re going to usually say they met one another through friends or work. Once you already share social connections or group tasks with someone else, you can start to expand your relationship, and explore whether you will find a possibility for something romantic down the road. Don’t waste your time trying to walk around women and bed them. The vast, the greater part of them don’t desire to be approached. And you are virtually guaranteed to come across as creepy also.
Luckily, you started college merely. Another four years of your life will undoubtedly be plotted around classes undoubtedly, student and clubs organizations. They’re great places to meet women, understand them as people, and develop something further potentially, all and never have to be weird and gross.
But you seem to be an anxious dude, Frozen. I’m prepared to bet that, nighttime group study sessions even during post-seminar beers or, striking up a conversation with that cute classmate will undoubtedly be difficult undoubtedly. I would like to paint the picture: The simple truth is, a female is visited by you with nice cheekbones. In your mind, you visit a starved grizzly bear. Staring down either of these forces of nature causes the same effects: Sweaty palms, pounding heart, the urge to flee.
These effects are not a specific fear. They are capital-f Fear. When you isolate the sensation of being freaked out from what causes it, you can start learning how to overcome capital-f Fear, so that the next time you encounter a fear, you can deal with what it does to you and move on. You won’t be frozen any more, Frozen.
The easiest method to approach lower-case fears is to practice overcoming Fear. The very best is by making yourself afraid, and recovering from it – learning that then, regardless of how sweaty your palms are, you may make it to the other side.
Here’s how you do this:
Find an organized activity that carries can be achieved by you with it the chance of social embarrassment. One where women may be present Preferably.
I would recommend Swing Club.
Your college carries a club where people swing dance probably. As long as they do, I guarantee you they have beginner’s classes, in the very beginning of the semester especially. Head to one. That’s your key to defeating Fear.
You have two left feet Perhaps. Perchance you think the Charleston may be the lamest type of human expression. It doesn’t matter. Swing Club has all of the answers. You will be surrounded by strangers and forced to accomplish something completely new, weird and unnatural (swing dancing). Once you’re there and the class begins, you either have to see it through, sweaty palms and all, or run out of the room crying just like a baby. And most dance classes/clubs are chronically short on male participants, which means you’ll end up dancing with females, that may up the fear factor.
Trust me. Even though you hate Swing, going through the motions of getting over your fear and getting on with business – especially in a social setting – will teach your brain the steps to Lindy Hopping through your fight-or-flight responses.
Take three dance classes, hopefully becoming progressively less terrified with each one of these. I guarantee that next time you get the opportunity to start a conversation having an attractive woman, half the butterflies in your stomach could have fluttered off someplace else.
If dancing is too socially petrifying, focus on another fear (heights, spiders) and practice on that first (climbing classes, pet tarantula). The main thing would be to face Fear to be able to face your fears. This is not good for picking right up women just ; it’s best to be human. There are many figurative grizzly bears you will be wrestling throughout adult life. Keeping your courage-muscle pumped will guarantee you’re ready for the fight.
There it really is owned by you, Frozen. Start slow, and very quickly, you will be meeting new people, making new friends, and enlivening your love life. No flashcards, no ebooks – no crystals.
Email Bryce your dating/love/sex questions at [email protected]

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